Today should have been the day. The day we met you. Held you. Loved on you. The day Dylan became a big brother. What an amazing day it would have been for all of us. But instead today is nothing. Just another day. Nothing to celebrate. There is no you. No chubby cheeks to squish. No little face to kiss.
Would you have had a lot of hair just like your big brother did? Would you have looked like him or completely different? What would we have named you? Gosh so many questions to think of when I think of you. I have been dreading this day. This month. This was going to be your birthday. We were supposed to meet you. And become a family of four.
Instead it is just an empty due date.
Love always,
Mama
Friday, February 7, 2020
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Just one
I get asked often when we are going to have more children. Strangers ask if Dylan is my only child.
Yes, Dylan is our only. We have "just" one child. That's how people phrase it. Just one. If you would have told me 5 years ago that we would have one I would have been so happy! For years we didn't know if we would have any children. We didn't know if we would ever be mama and dada. Now we are! How lucky are we!? We get to have holidays and amazing moments with our little boy that we will never forget. Moments that we didn't know would happen or not. We have a special boy that depends on us. A little boy that cries for mama when he gets boo-boos. A little boy that wants dada to play outside with him.
How amazing that our dream of being parents came true!
We didn't imagine having just one. But that just one is beyond amazing.
Our family is the three of us. We are done trying for another. Are we giving up? Not really. We are taking back control. Do you know what we are actually gaining? We no longer have to see a specialist, go to dozens of appointments, or have disappointments. I don't have to have invasive procedures, do injections, count my cycle days, or have the depressing moments that come along when things don't go right.
It is a heavy weight off my shoulders to take back my life. Most of my 20s and all of my 30s so far has been consumed by wanting to grow our family.
We are changing our picture of what was supposed to be. We simply are just us now. Just the three of us are pretty perfect.
Yes, Dylan is our only. We have "just" one child. That's how people phrase it. Just one. If you would have told me 5 years ago that we would have one I would have been so happy! For years we didn't know if we would have any children. We didn't know if we would ever be mama and dada. Now we are! How lucky are we!? We get to have holidays and amazing moments with our little boy that we will never forget. Moments that we didn't know would happen or not. We have a special boy that depends on us. A little boy that cries for mama when he gets boo-boos. A little boy that wants dada to play outside with him.
How amazing that our dream of being parents came true!
We didn't imagine having just one. But that just one is beyond amazing.
Our family is the three of us. We are done trying for another. Are we giving up? Not really. We are taking back control. Do you know what we are actually gaining? We no longer have to see a specialist, go to dozens of appointments, or have disappointments. I don't have to have invasive procedures, do injections, count my cycle days, or have the depressing moments that come along when things don't go right.
It is a heavy weight off my shoulders to take back my life. Most of my 20s and all of my 30s so far has been consumed by wanting to grow our family.
We are changing our picture of what was supposed to be. We simply are just us now. Just the three of us are pretty perfect.
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
To baby
Baby,
I can't breathe. I feel like I'm walking around holding my breath and at any moment I could just pass out. Thinking about you. Thinking about never holding you or kissing you. Or hearing your first cry. Or seeing your smile.
We found out you aren't going to come home with us. You aren't going to make it. I can already picture your blue eyes and squishy cheeks. I already picked out an outfit for you and tiny shoes. But our dreams won't come true. Seeing you won't happen. My heart is crushed. I won't hear you say mama. I won't kiss your boo-boos away. Your brother won't get to hold you and love you.
I'm so sorry. We love you.
I love you
I love you
I love you,
Mommy
I can't breathe. I feel like I'm walking around holding my breath and at any moment I could just pass out. Thinking about you. Thinking about never holding you or kissing you. Or hearing your first cry. Or seeing your smile.
We found out you aren't going to come home with us. You aren't going to make it. I can already picture your blue eyes and squishy cheeks. I already picked out an outfit for you and tiny shoes. But our dreams won't come true. Seeing you won't happen. My heart is crushed. I won't hear you say mama. I won't kiss your boo-boos away. Your brother won't get to hold you and love you.
I'm so sorry. We love you.
I love you
I love you
I love you,
Mommy
Monday, April 22, 2019
Frozen embryo transfer take two
So we must be crazy. And hopeful. And hopefully crazy lucky. We met with our infertility specialist last month to talk about trying for our second baby! Since then I went in for a few more appointments already. I had a sonohysterogram to see if my body could be ready for an embryo transfer. We did find that I have 3 polyps in my uterus.
I had a polyp removed before about 5 years ago. There is anesthesia and IVs involved. Plus it is expensive. So looks like I have to do this again. I have it scheduled for this Wednesday! I remember it being a pretty easy recovery, so let's hope all goes well. If surgery goes smoothly we then have injection training and consent forms to fill out the following week to schedule our IVF transfer.
Here's a look into the schedule that goes into trying to have a baby through a frozen embryo transfer..
- Appt 1: Consult with infertility specialist to talk about trying again. Bloodwork.
- Appt 2: Ultrasound once cycle starts. Bloodwork. Start birth control to keep body dormant.
- Appt 3: Sonohysterogram to check uterus. Pick up medications at pharmacy.
- Appt 4: For me, surgery to remove polyps.
- Appt 5: Injection training and go over medications. Sign consent forms.
Around this time I will stop birth control to get another cycle to start. Start more meds.
- Appt 6, 7, maybe 8: Ultrasounds to check lining. Bloodwork. More meds.
- If all goes well appt 8/9: Frozen embryo transfer.
Then you go back for more appts for bloodwork and ultrasound. Order more meds.
Then you wait to see if all this equals a pregnancy.
This will end up being about a 3-4 month process. If it works, you are over the moon and it was SO worth it! If it doesn't work you have to try again or take a break.
Estimated cost when insurance doesn't help at all: $8,000- $10,000.
If you have to try again: $6,000 each try.
So fingers crossed and baby dust!!!
I had a polyp removed before about 5 years ago. There is anesthesia and IVs involved. Plus it is expensive. So looks like I have to do this again. I have it scheduled for this Wednesday! I remember it being a pretty easy recovery, so let's hope all goes well. If surgery goes smoothly we then have injection training and consent forms to fill out the following week to schedule our IVF transfer.
Here's a look into the schedule that goes into trying to have a baby through a frozen embryo transfer..
- Appt 1: Consult with infertility specialist to talk about trying again. Bloodwork.
- Appt 2: Ultrasound once cycle starts. Bloodwork. Start birth control to keep body dormant.
- Appt 3: Sonohysterogram to check uterus. Pick up medications at pharmacy.
- Appt 4: For me, surgery to remove polyps.
- Appt 5: Injection training and go over medications. Sign consent forms.
Around this time I will stop birth control to get another cycle to start. Start more meds.
- Appt 6, 7, maybe 8: Ultrasounds to check lining. Bloodwork. More meds.
- If all goes well appt 8/9: Frozen embryo transfer.
Then you go back for more appts for bloodwork and ultrasound. Order more meds.
Then you wait to see if all this equals a pregnancy.
This will end up being about a 3-4 month process. If it works, you are over the moon and it was SO worth it! If it doesn't work you have to try again or take a break.
Estimated cost when insurance doesn't help at all: $8,000- $10,000.
If you have to try again: $6,000 each try.
So fingers crossed and baby dust!!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Almost 2 years old
Our baby boy is now less than 2 months away from being a big TWO year old. I cannot believe how fast time has gone. He is wild, energetic, sweet, and such a toddler now. He is starting to say more words and he likes certain shows. He still loves cars and trucks. He loves cheese. Like he LOVES cheese. Just like mommy and daddy do too. He screams. He cries. He tries to get into seriously everything. He wants to climb on counters. He wants to see everything we are doing and everything that we get.
He can open doors! He splashes like a crazy person in the bathtub and soaks mommy and the floor. He is a handful. He is amazing. He is the little boy we dreamed of.
I couldn't have imagined almost 3 years ago how amazing and crazy it is being mom. That is when we started the IVF process to make him! He is one of the embryos we created during that first cycle that was then frozen. That first cycle did not work out. We had to wait and try again later. This little wild boy was created, then frozen, and then un-frozen! Can you imagine that? That little snowflake was made almost 3 years ago. And now he is almost 2.
A lot of people tell you (even doctors!) that once you have your first from IVF, that maybe you will be super lucky and get pregnant naturally with your second. What? Really? Wow, I can't wait to surprise myself and my husband and my family and our son with a second baby! That sounds amazing..
Well you guys, guess what. No. Our son is almost 2 and we have not magically conceived him a sibling. Even though they said it could happen. It was possible they said. But it doesn't always happen like that. I have come to terms that I will never get to surprise my husband with a baby. I won't feel sick one day and take a test which turns out to be a positive pregnancy test.
Even though that does sting deep down some days, I know it's okay. It is perfectly alright to be one of the couples who has a different story. Because our story is so unique. It is hard to describe the day you transfer an embryo into your uterus. It is not common for your baby's first picture to be a 5 day old blastocyst picture.
Now that we have our first child, we are ready to add one more. It is not easy like it is for some people. We have to plan with our specialist, go to ultrasounds, do bloodwork, injections, and pay for the chance to have another baby. It is a very emotional thing to go into all of this not knowing the outcome. But I will do it for a chance to turn a frozen embryo into a screaming, wild child who loves cheese.
He can open doors! He splashes like a crazy person in the bathtub and soaks mommy and the floor. He is a handful. He is amazing. He is the little boy we dreamed of.
I couldn't have imagined almost 3 years ago how amazing and crazy it is being mom. That is when we started the IVF process to make him! He is one of the embryos we created during that first cycle that was then frozen. That first cycle did not work out. We had to wait and try again later. This little wild boy was created, then frozen, and then un-frozen! Can you imagine that? That little snowflake was made almost 3 years ago. And now he is almost 2.
A lot of people tell you (even doctors!) that once you have your first from IVF, that maybe you will be super lucky and get pregnant naturally with your second. What? Really? Wow, I can't wait to surprise myself and my husband and my family and our son with a second baby! That sounds amazing..
Well you guys, guess what. No. Our son is almost 2 and we have not magically conceived him a sibling. Even though they said it could happen. It was possible they said. But it doesn't always happen like that. I have come to terms that I will never get to surprise my husband with a baby. I won't feel sick one day and take a test which turns out to be a positive pregnancy test.
Even though that does sting deep down some days, I know it's okay. It is perfectly alright to be one of the couples who has a different story. Because our story is so unique. It is hard to describe the day you transfer an embryo into your uterus. It is not common for your baby's first picture to be a 5 day old blastocyst picture.
Now that we have our first child, we are ready to add one more. It is not easy like it is for some people. We have to plan with our specialist, go to ultrasounds, do bloodwork, injections, and pay for the chance to have another baby. It is a very emotional thing to go into all of this not knowing the outcome. But I will do it for a chance to turn a frozen embryo into a screaming, wild child who loves cheese.
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Christmas Mommy
This Christmas season was so different for me. I took a little boy to meet Santa. I wrapped gifts that said, "From: Mommy and Daddy." I watched my baby boy crawl and try to grab the tree branches. We played Christmas music and bounced around. We read The Night Before Christmas while little hands tried (and succeeded) in ripping the pages of the book. I put photos in Baby's First Christmas frames.
These sound like the smallest things. To me they mean everything. Our baby boy is now 8.5 months old. We wanted him for so long and waited for him. We went through so much and now that he is here every moment means so much. We are so lucky. I could not even imagine our life without him.
Dylan now has 5 teeth and is crawling everywhere. He keeps me busy every day and I am so happy.
Baby's first Christmas.
And my first Christmas as Mommy.
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
My boy
The moons and stars whispered to me,
Try just one more time,
It will be worth it,
And I believed them,
I pushed through hard times,
Just to see your face,
My heart broke so many times before you,
time and time again,
My life seemed over,
Then there you were,
You put all the shattered pieces back together,
My blue eyed boy,
You were meant to be,
You were meant to be mine.
I love you I love you I love you.
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Four months
Our son just turned 4 months old. The son that we hoped for and dreamed of. The son we went through hell to create. The son that we did not know for sure would exist.
I have been wanting to post what it feels like to finally be a mom. To finally hold my child. To finally see my husband hold our child. It is hard to describe the overwhelming feeling of love and completeness.
This little boy that we created together fills the hole in our hearts. He is beyond anything we could have ever imagined and he feels like the baby we were meant to have. There was such a long time of sadness in my heart and an unsure feeling of if we could ever bring home a baby to raise together. Those years of feelings aren't erased but they have been replaced with feelings of happiness and a feeling of being whole. That is the best way to describe the journey I went on. My heart was missing a piece before. I knew I was missing out on so much and missing out on the thing I always wanted. I wanted someone to call me mom.
And I just know that from now on I mean more to someone than I have ever before. He will depend on me. When little does he know that my life depended on him.
Baby boy Baxter, our Dylan, you are everything I imagined and more than I could have ever imagined. I love you I love you I love you.
I have been wanting to post what it feels like to finally be a mom. To finally hold my child. To finally see my husband hold our child. It is hard to describe the overwhelming feeling of love and completeness.
This little boy that we created together fills the hole in our hearts. He is beyond anything we could have ever imagined and he feels like the baby we were meant to have. There was such a long time of sadness in my heart and an unsure feeling of if we could ever bring home a baby to raise together. Those years of feelings aren't erased but they have been replaced with feelings of happiness and a feeling of being whole. That is the best way to describe the journey I went on. My heart was missing a piece before. I knew I was missing out on so much and missing out on the thing I always wanted. I wanted someone to call me mom.
And I just know that from now on I mean more to someone than I have ever before. He will depend on me. When little does he know that my life depended on him.
Baby boy Baxter, our Dylan, you are everything I imagined and more than I could have ever imagined. I love you I love you I love you.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Things no one tells you about having a baby
When you are pregnant, people give you lots of advice but they don't tell you things you actually need to know.
Here is my list of things I wish people told me:
Here is my list of things I wish people told me:
1. Once you have your baby at the hospital there will be lots of people coming in and out of your room. They will poke your baby's foot to take blood. They will want to do hearing tests on your baby. They will want you to write down when your baby eats and has a dirty diaper. I was not prepared for absolutely no privacy and no alone time with my baby.
2. We said we were going to breastfeed on our birth plan with the hospital. What that meant for us was once baby was born, they watched you attempt to feed him every few hours even though your milk didn't come in yet. There is a chance your baby won't latch. Maybe you will try a nipple shield to get him to. Baby isn't getting much food yet and is hungry. What ended up happening for us was our baby lost too much weight. He also had slight jaundice. So this means he is hungry, losing weight, and his jaundice isn't getting better because of that. This turns into going to the pediatrician 2 days in a row when baby is just a few days old and needing to get your baby's weight back up.
3. You know you will bleed. But do you know for how long? 4 weeks later and it is still happening. It may stop but don't let that fool you, it will start back up a few times before it really stops for good.
4. Did you get a c-section? You will be in lots of pain. You will have an incision that takes time to heal. When you bend over or move too fast, it will sting. Even weeks later when it looks like it's healing well, you may find a white string on the end and think what is that!? Oh it's the dissolving stitches that didn't dissolve but instead poked out.
5. Baby may wake up every 2-2.5 hours at night. It will take about 30-45 minutes to feed, change, and sooth baby. This means you will get 1-1.5 hours of sleep at a time.
6. Napping during the day when baby naps? Sounds great in theory. But maybe you just spent 2 hours feeding, changing, soothing, playing with baby. Finally they fall asleep. You have an hour, maybe 2 hours of free time. Oh you didn't eat lunch yet. So let's eat. Then strap the pump to you to get some milk for later. Drink tea to help with milk production. Let the dog outside. Brush your teeth and wash your face. Oh no, time's up! Baby is ready for food and to be changed again. Sorry, no nap!
7. You plan on breastfeeding? That's great. But maybe baby won't latch. You both get frustrated. Let's pump! Oh you don't produce enough so you need to supplement with formula. It's okay! It's okay for baby to drink from a bottle. It's okay for baby to get some breast milk and formula.
8. The days go fast. Taking care of your baby takes up your whole day. And your day flies by because you are on call 24/7. You will probably forget what day it even is.
People tell you it will be amazing and the best thing you ever do. They are right. Having this baby boy with my wonderful husband will be the greatest accomplishment I will do in my lifetime.
People tell you it will be amazing and the best thing you ever do. They are right. Having this baby boy with my wonderful husband will be the greatest accomplishment I will do in my lifetime.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Dylan's birth story
One week ago we had a baby. After all these years of us waiting and doing everything we could to have a baby, we had our perfect little guy.
On Sunday, April 9th at 9pm we checked into the hospital. We had a planned induction. I was 3.5cm dilated already, so they started me on a low dose induction med through my IV and told me to get some sleep. I was too excited and nervous to get much sleep that night, I was so ready to meet my baby. The next morning, I was 5cm dilated so they began to up the meds. I had high blood pressure so they gave me a med to lower it. A few hours later I was fully dilated. Pushing began! I received an epidural for the pain. I pushed and pushed.
After 3 hours of this, my Dr said that he thinks this is a big baby and I had a narrow pelvic bone. He said I could keep pushing or move onto a c-section. If you asked me what I did not want to happen before this day, I would have told you a c-section. I wanted to be able to be there and hold my baby immediately after having him, I knew having a c-section would change that. But I knew I could not push any longer especially when there is a big possibility that it wouldn't change anything and I would still need a c-section later.
I received a second epidural in preparation for the c-section. It did not take. My blood pressure dropped way too low and I needed oxygen. My husband was worried I wasn't breathing. The oxygen helped and I was stable. They wheeled me into the operating room and my husband couldn't come with right away while they prepped me.
Then I received a spinal which numbed me from the neck down. I was a little out of it and was just asking where my husband was. Finally he was able to join me and I asked him if everything was going to be okay. He assured me it would be okay.
Then I heard a cry. Oh I heard the perfect little cry. This is the best sound I will ever hear in my entire life.
His birth isn't what I imagined. But in the end all I wanted was a healthy baby. If I got asked about his birth day, I will recall his cry, his luscious dark hair, my husband with his arms wrapped around him, and then feeling my baby laying on my chest.
On Sunday, April 9th at 9pm we checked into the hospital. We had a planned induction. I was 3.5cm dilated already, so they started me on a low dose induction med through my IV and told me to get some sleep. I was too excited and nervous to get much sleep that night, I was so ready to meet my baby. The next morning, I was 5cm dilated so they began to up the meds. I had high blood pressure so they gave me a med to lower it. A few hours later I was fully dilated. Pushing began! I received an epidural for the pain. I pushed and pushed.
After 3 hours of this, my Dr said that he thinks this is a big baby and I had a narrow pelvic bone. He said I could keep pushing or move onto a c-section. If you asked me what I did not want to happen before this day, I would have told you a c-section. I wanted to be able to be there and hold my baby immediately after having him, I knew having a c-section would change that. But I knew I could not push any longer especially when there is a big possibility that it wouldn't change anything and I would still need a c-section later.
I received a second epidural in preparation for the c-section. It did not take. My blood pressure dropped way too low and I needed oxygen. My husband was worried I wasn't breathing. The oxygen helped and I was stable. They wheeled me into the operating room and my husband couldn't come with right away while they prepped me.
Then I received a spinal which numbed me from the neck down. I was a little out of it and was just asking where my husband was. Finally he was able to join me and I asked him if everything was going to be okay. He assured me it would be okay.
Then I heard a cry. Oh I heard the perfect little cry. This is the best sound I will ever hear in my entire life.
My husband was with him while the nurse cleaned him off and then they brought him over to me.
I got to see him for a minute before my husband and the nurse took him to weigh/measure him. My surgery had to be finished up before I could go get a better look at my baby. It was probably the longest 30 or so minutes of my life laying there waiting to go be with my husband and our new baby.
Dylan Robert Baxter was born on April 10th, 2017 at 3:37pm. He was 8 lbs 10 oz, 21 inches long, and had a 14.5 inch head! He is perfect. We are in love.
His birth isn't what I imagined. But in the end all I wanted was a healthy baby. If I got asked about his birth day, I will recall his cry, his luscious dark hair, my husband with his arms wrapped around him, and then feeling my baby laying on my chest.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
The month of April
April has become a hard month for me over these past years.
On this day, I have been pregnant 3 out of the last 4 years. Finally here I am almost 39 weeks pregnant and baby boy will be here soon. I have waited to hold our baby for so long and I cannot believe I will get to in 4-5 days.
And I just want to say:
On this day, I have been pregnant 3 out of the last 4 years. Finally here I am almost 39 weeks pregnant and baby boy will be here soon. I have waited to hold our baby for so long and I cannot believe I will get to in 4-5 days.
And I just want to say:
I love you
I love you
I love you
my baby.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Before you arrive
Baby Dylan,
As I sit here 37 weeks pregnant with you pushing up on my belly, I wanted to write to you before you arrive into the world. I dream of you all day and can only imagine how our life will change once you are here. I can only imagine seeing your face for the first time, hearing you cry, holding you close to me, kissing your cheeks, and being able to say this is my son. This is so overwhelming for me because for a really long time I did not know if you would be real for us.
We have wanted you for so long and now it's coming true. You will be here in the next 20 days hopefully. I am counting the days because the day you arrive will be the day my heart is full. To know you are half me and half your daddy is the greatest thing I could ever ask for.
Even though I wish I could fast forward to meeting you, I am still soaking in the moments when I feel you move inside my belly. Being your mom and carrying you has been my favorite thing in my entire life. And I know that feeling will grow even stronger once you are here with us.
We will see you soon. I will be the crying woman who holds you tight and won't ever want to let go.
I love you
I love you
I love you
Mom
As I sit here 37 weeks pregnant with you pushing up on my belly, I wanted to write to you before you arrive into the world. I dream of you all day and can only imagine how our life will change once you are here. I can only imagine seeing your face for the first time, hearing you cry, holding you close to me, kissing your cheeks, and being able to say this is my son. This is so overwhelming for me because for a really long time I did not know if you would be real for us.
We have wanted you for so long and now it's coming true. You will be here in the next 20 days hopefully. I am counting the days because the day you arrive will be the day my heart is full. To know you are half me and half your daddy is the greatest thing I could ever ask for.
Even though I wish I could fast forward to meeting you, I am still soaking in the moments when I feel you move inside my belly. Being your mom and carrying you has been my favorite thing in my entire life. And I know that feeling will grow even stronger once you are here with us.
We will see you soon. I will be the crying woman who holds you tight and won't ever want to let go.
I love you
I love you
I love you
Mom
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Baby boy coming soon..
Last July we transferred 2 perfect embryos.
It's almost 7 months later now and we are 31 weeks pregnant with our baby boy.
Wow I know. A lot has changed. Let's go back for a second.
In June I started medication to get my new cycle to start. Once I did that I would be able to start prepping my body for our embryo transfer. I started injections and saw the specialist to make sure everything was looking good. Everything was going great! On July 28th, my husband and I went in to the doctor's office. We were ready to bring our embryos home with us. We watched as the Dr took a vial that contained 2 embryos and put them into my uterus. It is amazing to think that in that moment our baby could be snuggling in and making this their home for 9 months!
I felt pregnant. Only a few days after transfer I took a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive already! That was fast! A week later I did blood work to confirm and my level was already high. And it got higher and higher as time went on. We thought both embryos took and we were going to have twins!
We went in for an early ultrasound and saw one sac. It was too early to see much. We would have to wait a few weeks to see our baby.
Around 6-7 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding. I had been here before and I knew it was our baby. We were losing another baby. How could this happen to us again and again?
At 8 weeks pregnant, my husband and I went into my new obgyn and told him what was going on. He let us do an ultrasound immediately that day. We didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if it would be bad news again. Then we saw our baby. We saw a little gummy bear inside his sac. The Dr then saw an empty smaller sac. He wasn't sure what to think about this second smaller sac, we would have to wait and see.
Our lil guy grew inside his sac and everything looked good! Meanwhile the second sac got smaller and smaller, it took weeks but then it was gone completely. The bleeding I had weeks ago was us losing our baby's twin.
Since then this pregnancy has been pretty wonderful. We found out we are having a boy! He is looking perfect and we cannot wait to hold him. He should arrive in 7-9 weeks! Can you believe that?
We are having a baby. For real this time.
It's almost 7 months later now and we are 31 weeks pregnant with our baby boy.
Wow I know. A lot has changed. Let's go back for a second.
In June I started medication to get my new cycle to start. Once I did that I would be able to start prepping my body for our embryo transfer. I started injections and saw the specialist to make sure everything was looking good. Everything was going great! On July 28th, my husband and I went in to the doctor's office. We were ready to bring our embryos home with us. We watched as the Dr took a vial that contained 2 embryos and put them into my uterus. It is amazing to think that in that moment our baby could be snuggling in and making this their home for 9 months!
I felt pregnant. Only a few days after transfer I took a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive already! That was fast! A week later I did blood work to confirm and my level was already high. And it got higher and higher as time went on. We thought both embryos took and we were going to have twins!
We went in for an early ultrasound and saw one sac. It was too early to see much. We would have to wait a few weeks to see our baby.
Around 6-7 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding. I had been here before and I knew it was our baby. We were losing another baby. How could this happen to us again and again?
At 8 weeks pregnant, my husband and I went into my new obgyn and told him what was going on. He let us do an ultrasound immediately that day. We didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if it would be bad news again. Then we saw our baby. We saw a little gummy bear inside his sac. The Dr then saw an empty smaller sac. He wasn't sure what to think about this second smaller sac, we would have to wait and see.
Our lil guy grew inside his sac and everything looked good! Meanwhile the second sac got smaller and smaller, it took weeks but then it was gone completely. The bleeding I had weeks ago was us losing our baby's twin.
Since then this pregnancy has been pretty wonderful. We found out we are having a boy! He is looking perfect and we cannot wait to hold him. He should arrive in 7-9 weeks! Can you believe that?
We are having a baby. For real this time.
Monday, May 23, 2016
The IVF journey
On March 15th, I had my egg retrieval! It was a very exciting day and I had 34 eggs collected! Holy cow, that is a lot! That was a huge success and we were very happy.
On March 20th, we found out we made 10 great looking embryos. We transferred 1 into my uterus and froze the other 9.
Because I had so many eggs, I did develop a slight case of overstimulation. I gained about 10 lbs within 4 days. I started a high sodium diet to help with this. I had a huge belly from the overstimming. That took about a week to go down.
Then we just had to wait. We had positive pregnancy tests at home and positive blood tests at the drs office. My HCG level kept rising and all was looking good.
Then at 6 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. So we went into the dr's office and saw our baby's sac and fetal pole. All looked great!
A week later, we went back for another ultrasound. Our baby was gone. We lost him/her. We were devastated. We have now lost 2 babies exactly 2 years apart. It's not right. We want to be parents!
Now it is a month later. We had our 9 frozen embryos genetically tested. 8 are perfectly normal embryos and look amazing. The 9th embryo was abnormal and had down syndrome.
We are just on a break right now before we do another embryo transfer later this year. We are just hoping that since we had the embryos genetically tested our next pregnancy will be a healthy long one.
On March 20th, we found out we made 10 great looking embryos. We transferred 1 into my uterus and froze the other 9.
Because I had so many eggs, I did develop a slight case of overstimulation. I gained about 10 lbs within 4 days. I started a high sodium diet to help with this. I had a huge belly from the overstimming. That took about a week to go down.
Then we just had to wait. We had positive pregnancy tests at home and positive blood tests at the drs office. My HCG level kept rising and all was looking good.
Then at 6 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. So we went into the dr's office and saw our baby's sac and fetal pole. All looked great!
A week later, we went back for another ultrasound. Our baby was gone. We lost him/her. We were devastated. We have now lost 2 babies exactly 2 years apart. It's not right. We want to be parents!
Now it is a month later. We had our 9 frozen embryos genetically tested. 8 are perfectly normal embryos and look amazing. The 9th embryo was abnormal and had down syndrome.
We are just on a break right now before we do another embryo transfer later this year. We are just hoping that since we had the embryos genetically tested our next pregnancy will be a healthy long one.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Treatment Update
So here is what's been going on with treatment. I had the hysteroscopy to determine once and for all what my uterus is shaped like. He determined (like the first specialist) that I have an arcuate uterus and not a septum. This is good news. I don't require surgery. So we are a go for IVF in March.
My bloodwork showed I have high prolactin. My specialist started me on a new medication and he wanted me to go in for an MRI of my pituitary gland. I had it done and results came back clear. I am good.
My husband had genetic testing and he is not a carrier of the gene I am a carrier of so we are happy.
We ordered all of our meds! Over $4k later, we have all the meds ready to go for when we need them. We went to the meds injections training.
So now I have done 10 days of injections already. We start adding in more meds to our injection schedule starting tomorrow. These will be the injections that stimulate follicle growth!
Starting next week I will be at the doctor's office about every other day to check my ovaries and see how many follicles are growing. This will be the exciting time. Not sure what to expect since everyone responds differently. We are set for an egg retrieval March 16th. That could change within a day or so. Then 5 days later we will be transferring 2 embryos.
And then we will wait and hope that this works!
My bloodwork showed I have high prolactin. My specialist started me on a new medication and he wanted me to go in for an MRI of my pituitary gland. I had it done and results came back clear. I am good.
My husband had genetic testing and he is not a carrier of the gene I am a carrier of so we are happy.
We ordered all of our meds! Over $4k later, we have all the meds ready to go for when we need them. We went to the meds injections training.
So now I have done 10 days of injections already. We start adding in more meds to our injection schedule starting tomorrow. These will be the injections that stimulate follicle growth!
Starting next week I will be at the doctor's office about every other day to check my ovaries and see how many follicles are growing. This will be the exciting time. Not sure what to expect since everyone responds differently. We are set for an egg retrieval March 16th. That could change within a day or so. Then 5 days later we will be transferring 2 embryos.
And then we will wait and hope that this works!
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Our Plan!
Today we met with a third specialist. It went great! I think he will be the one to help us. We made a plan and I am excited for once!
I am starting provera this weekend to induce my cycle. Once that starts, I will be doing all the pre-testing and doing an office hysteroscopy. He is agreeing with the first specialist that my uterus is an arcuate which is a very good thing. My husband will be doing genetic testing and bloodwork. Once all that is complete, we can meet with the specialist again to go over all the results.
We have a plan of IVF in March! Fingers crossed everything goes well and we will be on track for this.
Our 10th marriage anniversary is May 26th. Wouldn't it be the best anniversary gift to be expecting our little one? We have waited so long and it has to be our time!!
Thursday, January 14, 2016
New year, 3rd specialist
Welcome, 2016. Please please be good to us!
We have an appointment in two weeks with a third fertility specialist. I wanted another set of eyes to look at my MRI and see what they think about my uterus shape. I had two specialists tell me two very different things. I want answers. I want to figure this out. I want to do treatment again. I don't want to keep getting held back.
Once we figure out the uterus situation and if I do need surgery, then we can figure out what treatment we will be doing. We might try another injection cycle with the new specialist or move on to IVF.
I just want someone to listen to me and help us. This is already hard enough so getting false information about my health and my body is not right. It's too much. Fingers crossed this specialist will help us straighten everything out and get us on the right path.
Until then, I keep waiting.
We have an appointment in two weeks with a third fertility specialist. I wanted another set of eyes to look at my MRI and see what they think about my uterus shape. I had two specialists tell me two very different things. I want answers. I want to figure this out. I want to do treatment again. I don't want to keep getting held back.
Once we figure out the uterus situation and if I do need surgery, then we can figure out what treatment we will be doing. We might try another injection cycle with the new specialist or move on to IVF.
I just want someone to listen to me and help us. This is already hard enough so getting false information about my health and my body is not right. It's too much. Fingers crossed this specialist will help us straighten everything out and get us on the right path.
Until then, I keep waiting.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
A letter from my future self
Dear past me,
I know how you feel. I used to be where you are right now. I wanted the family I dreamed of. I wanted my family to feel complete. I ached to say the words, "We're pregnant!" I wanted our families to be so excited we were finally welcoming a little one into our world. I wanted to hold my baby. It hurt so badly to want this and not be able to have it at the time. I did everything to help my chances of our dream to come true.
Dear past me, I know you hurt. I know this isn't easy. I know most people don't understand. I know you have a mother's heart but no baby.
This is why I am writing to you. Past me, you have no idea what your future holds, but I do. Your future is more than you can imagine. You cannot picture the excitement in your husband's eyes when he first holds your baby. You cannot imagine holding your little one until they fall asleep. You cannot imagine how bright their eyes look at you. All of it is just so much more than you can dream of. You will be so happy. You won't think of any of these past years that you were in pain. This little one will wipe your slate clean. This little one will make it all worth it. You will have a new chapter of your life and it will be your favorite.
Past me, it's okay. It's okay to feel the way you do. I say that because I know it's not the way you will always feel. It's only temporary. Better days are coming and I know you are ready for them. You are beyond ready.
Keep going. Please just keep going. I know the future and it's wonderful.
Love, future you
I know how you feel. I used to be where you are right now. I wanted the family I dreamed of. I wanted my family to feel complete. I ached to say the words, "We're pregnant!" I wanted our families to be so excited we were finally welcoming a little one into our world. I wanted to hold my baby. It hurt so badly to want this and not be able to have it at the time. I did everything to help my chances of our dream to come true.
Dear past me, I know you hurt. I know this isn't easy. I know most people don't understand. I know you have a mother's heart but no baby.
This is why I am writing to you. Past me, you have no idea what your future holds, but I do. Your future is more than you can imagine. You cannot picture the excitement in your husband's eyes when he first holds your baby. You cannot imagine holding your little one until they fall asleep. You cannot imagine how bright their eyes look at you. All of it is just so much more than you can dream of. You will be so happy. You won't think of any of these past years that you were in pain. This little one will wipe your slate clean. This little one will make it all worth it. You will have a new chapter of your life and it will be your favorite.
Past me, it's okay. It's okay to feel the way you do. I say that because I know it's not the way you will always feel. It's only temporary. Better days are coming and I know you are ready for them. You are beyond ready.
Keep going. Please just keep going. I know the future and it's wonderful.
Love, future you
Monday, December 14, 2015
A Year Ago
This time last year, we should have been getting everything ready to bring our baby home.
A year ago we should have been getting the nursery ready and finishing up any last minute things that needed to be done.
A year ago we should have had a hospital bag packed and ready to go because it could happen any day now.
A year ago we should have been having our last days as just the two of us.
A year ago we should have been counting down the days until we got to meet our little one.
A year ago we should have celebrated our first Christmas with our baby.
A year ago we should have become a family of three!
A year ago none of this happened. It was taken away from us. Our baby didn't make it far enough along. Our baby never came home.
And here we are again, still no baby.
A year ago we should have been getting the nursery ready and finishing up any last minute things that needed to be done.
A year ago we should have had a hospital bag packed and ready to go because it could happen any day now.
A year ago we should have been having our last days as just the two of us.
A year ago we should have been counting down the days until we got to meet our little one.
A year ago we should have celebrated our first Christmas with our baby.
A year ago we should have become a family of three!
A year ago none of this happened. It was taken away from us. Our baby didn't make it far enough along. Our baby never came home.
And here we are again, still no baby.
Monday, December 7, 2015
The end of another year
Well we are now just a few weeks until this year is over. Each year goes by and I am just still here waiting. Waiting for something that could happen or may never happen. I have no idea which it is.
I am holding my breath. I keep wondering when I will turn blue and just stop breathing. How much longer do I need to keep wondering what my future holds? I just want an answer. I would rather at least have any answer than none.
Living in limbo is not living. I am just not sure how much longer I can stay here.
I am holding my breath. I keep wondering when I will turn blue and just stop breathing. How much longer do I need to keep wondering what my future holds? I just want an answer. I would rather at least have any answer than none.
Living in limbo is not living. I am just not sure how much longer I can stay here.
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