Childless at Christmas again

We don't get to wrap presents for our child. We don't get to make cookies with our child. We don't get to tell our child to go to bed so Santa can stop at our house. We don't get woken up by excited little voices at 6am on Christmas day.

It's just the two of us.

This year should have been different. This week we should have a newborn in our arms. We should have the nursery done and dirty diapers in the trash. I should have tired eyes and spit up on my shirt.

But instead, we have an angel in the sky. And pain in our hearts.

Cycle = FAIL

This injection cycle is a huge failure. I did not respond enough to the FSH injections so the cycle is done. Another wasted month. A waste of time, a waste of money, and a waste of positive thinking. What is the point of positive thinking and having hope, just for it all to crash down on your face?

We have one more thing to try, we will go back to the injections I did earlier this year (menopur) and double the dosage. This is the last thing to try before being told to move on to IVF.

Our specialist asked me last week if IVF would be an option for us. Ugh.

Yeah sure it is, because we have $20,000 laying around!

If I were to rob a bank, don't blame me. Blame the world. Blame the country we live in. Blame insurance companies. Because how is it right that we need $20,000 to try to make our baby? Insurance doesn't help. There's no charities for this. Most people don't even want to talk about this subject.

So how is a normal couple supposed to pay for this? $20,000. Imagine that. That is a new car. That is a down payment on a home. That is a degree from a state university. That is 4000 five dollar bills.

So I guess it's time to go find a job to pay to have a chance at maybe having our baby.

New cycle / Baby's stocking!

We are starting our new injection cycle finally! Ultrasound today was clear and I was approved to start. YAY! I start injections on Saturday. I mix the medication with a liquid solution and then hubby injects me in the hip. We have gotten okay at doing everything, but still get nervous about making sure it's all done perfectly right. I will be doing 8-10 days of injections and going in for ultrasounds to check if they are working. We will see! Fingers crossed that this medication works for me.

I bought a small Christmas stocking to hang on our tree every year for our angel baby. On Christmas eve each year, I plan on writing a small letter to baby and putting it in the stocking. If I can't hold him/her, at least I can write how I feel. <3

The past 14 months

A lot has happened in the past 14 months. Even though a lot has happened, we are still no closer to having a child. How can that be? I thought we would start seeing the fertility specialist and we would have our baby. But turns out that's not how it always works.

In the past 14 months:

- I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and found out I am anovulatory (this means I do not produce mature follicles or ovulate).

- I had an HSG procedure to make sure my tubes are open (they are).

- I had an SHG to check for polyps.

- I had a hysteroscopy surgery (with IV and anesthesia) to remove a polyp and showed I have an arcuate shaped uterus.

- We did 6 medicated cycles. Out of these 6, I only responded 1 time.

- We got pregnant from that medicated cycle that I respond to. But we lost baby at 6 weeks.

- I was diagnosed with MTHFR mutation and added 3 more pills to my daily routine.

- I had an ovarian cyst that I had to take medication to shrink down.

- I have gained 20+ lbs from medications, stress, and emotional eating.

All of this and we still are in limbo it feels like. We are getting ready to (hopefully) start a new medicated cycle this month. I have an ultrasound today to get the approval to do injections. Our doctor is switching me to a different medication and doubling the dosage. If I respond and my follicles grow, they we can trigger to release the follicle(s). If not, then we will have to talk about the next option.

So only time will tell.

October 15th - Remembrance Day

For my one and only baby, who we lost earlier this year..we should be meeting you in 9 weeks but instead you are in the stars. I miss you. I love you I love you I love you.

Waiting..

So much waiting after waiting after waiting! I have to do 21 days of birth control and then start my next cycle. I have done 12 days of pills and now I am counting down the days until I can go back to the specialist again. All I want to do is start the new cycle and start injections! I really hope when I go back there are no issues and we can start treatment again. All this waiting is really adding up.

Can you believe it has been over 5 months since we lost our one and only pregnancy? And in those 5 months we have had 0 chances to get pregnant again. I just want a chance. Just a chance.

Please just give me a chance. That is all I am asking. I just want to be able to think that maybe, just maybe this will be our time.

December is going to be the hardest for me. We should have been due that month. But instead we aren't. We should be happy and prepping to bring home our new little love. But we aren't. Instead we are hoping for a chance to just try to get pregnant!

P.S. Next person that says 'Just adopt' may or may not get slapped in the face! Do your research before you comment please and thank you.

New cycle canceled

Since I did not respond the last 2 cycles, we had decided to switch to FSH injections and do a higher dosage of it to see if I can respond to that treatment. I did 10 days of provera to induce my next cycle. I went in last week for a baseline ultrasound to get approved to start the injections on cycle day 5. During my ultrasound we found a 32mm cyst! Which means this cycle is canceled. I am now on 3 weeks of birth control which is supposed to make the cyst go down, then once the next cycle starts I will go back in to see if the cyst is gone.

This is very frustrating. We were looking forward to continuing treatment and finding out if maybe this dosage of injections would work for us. Now we have to wait about 4 weeks to go back and hopefully have no issues that will prevent us from doing treatment. 

Just once I would like some good news. Or at least not get bad news. 

My child

I will miss the child I never met every day of my life. I may have only carried this baby for 6 weeks, but it was a part of me, a part of my husband, and everything we wanted. I am deeply saddened and not sure how to go about normal life. I feel like my life is on hold, but meanwhile the whole world is continuing to move. How can that be? Shouldn't the whole world stop and see me? See my pain? My heart is broken. I'm empty. I cry at random times. I miss my baby, my Christmas baby, my husband's baby, our baby. The baby we made together. I miss our future. The future we should have had together as a family of 3.

How do you move on? What am I supposed to do now? Our baby is gone. It took us 8 years, lots of testing, a surgery, never ending doctor appointments, and hormone injections to make this baby. And then the baby disappears? That's not fair. It's not fair we can't naturally get pregnant. It's not fair my baby died. The baby that was so wanted and so tried for. Now we have to start over. We have to do treatment again. And just try to hope that we get a better result next time. If there is a next time. Maybe one day we will bring a baby home. I just wish I knew what the future holds.


To the baby I will never meet:
     I think about you every day. You were our future. I loved you so deeply so fast. I don't know how to go on without you. My heart hurts so badly. I can't imagine that you no longer exist. I'll never be able to explain the pain I felt losing you. It's every day and it never goes away. I can't stop thinking of you. I'll never meet you. Your daddy will never meet you. This weighs so heavy on my heart. All we wanted was you.
     No matter what I do, you will always be my first. If we have another baby, I will give them double the love. The love I would have given you and the love I have for them. I will always think of you and always love you. You were our dream, it was just over way too fast. Please know even though you were gone too soon, you will always be in my heart. For I love you and have loved you before you were created. I hoped for you, wished for you, and wanted you more than anything.
     I wish that daddy, you, and me could have been the most amazing family together. I know you would have been the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. 
    I miss you. My heart is broken without you here.
                                                                                      I love you I love you I love you,
                                                                                                                   Mom

Why the obgyn office is the devil to women with infertility

Anytime I have to go to the obgyn I can't help but think of how much I hate it.

I prefer going to my fertility specialist over the obgyn and this is why..


The fertility specialist:

• It's their job to help me conceive. 
• The DR, nurses, lab tech, receptionist..they are all friendly and want you to succeed.
• The waiting room is cozy with couches and pillows. And they have water and coffee while you wait.
• The ultrasound rooms are dimly lit, comfortable, and they have actual fabric blankets to cover your lower half.
• Everyone in the waiting room is typically not pregnant.
• Everyone in the waiting room usually gives each other nervous shy smiles. I can only imagine what is going through their minds. Probably the same as me which is "I'm so sorry we both have to be here."
• Once the DR comes in, they go over everything with you and they are never in a rush.
• The DR and nurses actually listen to you and your concerns.
• They have compassion and try to give you hope.

The obgyn:

• Their main job is to help pregnant women. Therefore everyone in the waiting room is pregnant.
• The receptionists aren't friendly and have a glass window they slide open so they can talk to you.
• The waiting room is uncomfortable.
• The obgyn usually spends less than 5 minutes talking with you.
• The rooms are brightly lit, uncomfortable, and they give you tissue paper-like blankets to cover your lower half.
• If you mention your infertility, you normally get comments like "I know someone who adopted and then BAM they were pregnant!" or "Oh don't worry, you'll be pregnant next time I see you."
• Did I mention everyone in the waiting room is pregnant?
• Everyone in the waiting room is pregnant!

12 days of shots for nothing?

This cycle was our 2nd time on HMG injections. Since this worked last time we were very hopeful that maybe, just maybe, they would work again. I did 12 days of injections and a lot of ultrasound monitoring at the specialist's office.

But today, cycle day 15, this cycle has been officially cancelled. My follicles did not respond like they did last time. They stalled out at only 8mm, but we need larger than an 18mm to be able to have a chance at making a baby.

This is very frustrating. We were expecting a similar result as last time, we thought we would be able to do the trigger shot, and have at least a CHANCE at getting pregnant.

But, nope, no chance. Not this time.

Our fertility specialist wants us to move on to a different type of injection and double the dosage. So we have that to look forward to..NOT.

MTHFR Mutation?

Well, I guess add MTHFR Mutation to my list of complications! I cannot catch a break.
What is MTHFR? Up until a few hours ago I had no clue. Now I have to know since I was just diagnosed with it.

The quick summary of it is:

"The MTHFR genetic mutation, or polymorphism was first discovered as a result of the human genome project. The gene produces the MTHFR enzyme, and people who have this mutation have a reduced ability to process folic acid/folate into something their body can use."


These are the functions of folic acid/folate:

Turn on and off genes (gene regulation)
Process chemical and toxins (biotransformation)
Build neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, epinephrine)
Process hormones (estrogen)
Build immune cells (T cells, NK cells)
DNA and RNA synthese (Thymine aka 5-methyluracil)
Produce energy (CoQ10, carnitine, ATP)
Produce protective coating on nerves (myelination)

So this mutation affects a lot of different hormones and the way things are or aren't processed.

Pretty awesome news, right? (Note the sarcasm.)

Ugh just another day in my life of bad news after bad news.

The past 10 months

This is what I have been through since I asked Drs for assistance.

September 2013

Diagnosed with PCOS.

I was told I had an uterine abnormality.

Made appointment to see a fertility specialist.

October 2013

Had an HSG procedure which showed I have an arcuate uterus.

Consultation with fertility specialist.

Found out I am anovulatory. I am not growing and releasing eggs.

After doing blood work, I start taking synthroid, CoQ10, vitamin D3, baby aspirin, and a prenatal with DHA.

November 2013

I start fertility drugs.

I take 50mg of Clomid.

I don't respond.

December 2013

I take 100mg of Clomid.

Again I don't respond.

During a pelvic ultrasound, Dr thinks I may have a polyp or fibroid in my uterus.

January 2014

I have a sonohysterogram.

I do have an uterine polyp.

Dr concerned about my uterus shape. Back to the idea it may be septate/bicornuate.

I have surgery - a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp and determine I do have an arcuate uterus.

February 2014

I take 150mg of Clomid.

Again I don't respond.

Start taking metformin along with my other pills.

Decide to move on to injections for treatment.

March 2014

Menopur injections for 11 days.

I respond! 1 big follicle is ready!

I do an HCG trigger shot.

Start progesterone supplements 2 times a day.

I do an HCG booster shot.

April 18th, 2014

Do bloodwork to confirm - We're Pregnant!

April 24th, 2014

Started bleeding, so we schedule an ultrasound.

It's still very early, but we see the sac.

May 2nd, 2014

Ultrasound shows no more baby. We lost it.

Breathe.

July 2014

Cleared to start treatment again.

July/August 2014
Menopur injections for 12 days.
I don't respond.
Cycle cancelled.

The beginning

I married the love of my life when I was only 20 years old. I knew the first time my lips touched his that it was the beginning of something remarkable. He wasn't what I expected, I couldn't have imagined someone so incredible. I fell in love fast. Once I met my dream man, I imagined our wonderful life together. I pictured a beautiful house, a few pets, 2 or 3 children, and a stylish minivan of course.

Well here I am, over 8 years after getting married. We have the beautiful house and two jack russell terriers, but no children. I thought we would have at least 2 babies by now, but we are childless.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

10 months ago I went to a new obgyn to ask for help. I told her that we have been trying for a baby and it's not happening. I have tried charting, temping, and ovulation tests, but it's not helping. My cycle is irregular and it seems impossible to know when (or if) I am releasing eggs.

After a pelvic ultrasound, my Dr tells me that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Then she continues to tell me that I have an uterine abnormality. The ultrasound couldn't show which one I have for sure, but she says it's either a septate or bicornuate uterus. What does this even mean? I had no idea, these words did not make any sense to me. The Dr tells me I need to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) which is a procedure in which ink is injected through the fallopian tubes so they can see the tubes and uterus. Sounded so strange to me. It sure did not sound like fun. She told me I was an 'unusual case' so I needed to see a fertility specialist and that she cannot assist me.

I knew I could not put off getting help any longer. This was 4 days before my 28th birthday and I felt like I was running out of time to make our dreams of having a family come true. What comes to mind now is why did I wait so long to get help? I was in denial. I thought I would get pregnant without medical assistance. I'm supposed to be a mom right now. I'm not supposed to have this problem. I shouldn't have to see a specialist, but I do.

I called 3 different fertility specialists to ask questions about the procedure I needed to have done, the costs involved, and I tried to figure out which one to pick. I decided and scheduled the HSG procedure. Once I have the HSG done, I will meet with the fertility specialist the following week to go over the results and hopefully have an idea on where to go from here.

A few weeks later, I had the HSG and then I met with the specialist. Meeting with him was a step in the right direction. He told me it's not if I get pregnant, it's when, how, and how much is it going to cost. The HSG showed I have an arcuate uterus. This is not abnormal, just a normal variant and it will not affect getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy.  I schedule to do some bloodwork and then plan to start meds the following month. Since my cycle is irregular, in a few weeks they will give me a shot to jump start it.

It is hard not knowing what will happen. I just want to know how to get pregnant. How do we make our baby? Where is the step by step guide for people like me? It's just not that easy.