My child

I will miss the child I never met every day of my life. I may have only carried this baby for 6 weeks, but it was a part of me, a part of my husband, and everything we wanted. I am deeply saddened and not sure how to go about normal life. I feel like my life is on hold, but meanwhile the whole world is continuing to move. How can that be? Shouldn't the whole world stop and see me? See my pain? My heart is broken. I'm empty. I cry at random times. I miss my baby, my Christmas baby, my husband's baby, our baby. The baby we made together. I miss our future. The future we should have had together as a family of 3.

How do you move on? What am I supposed to do now? Our baby is gone. It took us 8 years, lots of testing, a surgery, never ending doctor appointments, and hormone injections to make this baby. And then the baby disappears? That's not fair. It's not fair we can't naturally get pregnant. It's not fair my baby died. The baby that was so wanted and so tried for. Now we have to start over. We have to do treatment again. And just try to hope that we get a better result next time. If there is a next time. Maybe one day we will bring a baby home. I just wish I knew what the future holds.


To the baby I will never meet:
     I think about you every day. You were our future. I loved you so deeply so fast. I don't know how to go on without you. My heart hurts so badly. I can't imagine that you no longer exist. I'll never be able to explain the pain I felt losing you. It's every day and it never goes away. I can't stop thinking of you. I'll never meet you. Your daddy will never meet you. This weighs so heavy on my heart. All we wanted was you.
     No matter what I do, you will always be my first. If we have another baby, I will give them double the love. The love I would have given you and the love I have for them. I will always think of you and always love you. You were our dream, it was just over way too fast. Please know even though you were gone too soon, you will always be in my heart. For I love you and have loved you before you were created. I hoped for you, wished for you, and wanted you more than anything.
     I wish that daddy, you, and me could have been the most amazing family together. I know you would have been the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. 
    I miss you. My heart is broken without you here.
                                                                                      I love you I love you I love you,
                                                                                                                   Mom