We don't get to wrap presents for our child. We don't get to make cookies with our child. We don't get to tell our child to go to bed so Santa can stop at our house. We don't get woken up by excited little voices at 6am on Christmas day.
It's just the two of us.
This year should have been different. This week we should have a newborn in our arms. We should have the nursery done and dirty diapers in the trash. I should have tired eyes and spit up on my shirt.
But instead, we have an angel in the sky. And pain in our hearts.
This injection cycle is a huge failure. I did not respond enough to the FSH injections so the cycle is done. Another wasted month. A waste of time, a waste of money, and a waste of positive thinking. What is the point of positive thinking and having hope, just for it all to crash down on your face?
We have one more thing to try, we will go back to the injections I did earlier this year (menopur) and double the dosage. This is the last thing to try before being told to move on to IVF.
Our specialist asked me last week if IVF would be an option for us. Ugh.
Yeah sure it is, because we have $20,000 laying around!
If I were to rob a bank, don't blame me. Blame the world. Blame the country we live in. Blame insurance companies. Because how is it right that we need $20,000 to try to make our baby? Insurance doesn't help. There's no charities for this. Most people don't even want to talk about this subject.
So how is a normal couple supposed to pay for this? $20,000. Imagine that. That is a new car. That is a down payment on a home. That is a degree from a state university. That is 4000 five dollar bills.
So I guess it's time to go find a job to pay to have a chance at maybe having our baby.
We are starting our new injection cycle finally! Ultrasound today was clear and I was approved to start. YAY! I start injections on Saturday. I mix the medication with a liquid solution and then hubby injects me in the hip. We have gotten okay at doing everything, but still get nervous about making sure it's all done perfectly right. I will be doing 8-10 days of injections and going in for ultrasounds to check if they are working. We will see! Fingers crossed that this medication works for me.
I bought a small Christmas stocking to hang on our tree every year for our angel baby. On Christmas eve each year, I plan on writing a small letter to baby and putting it in the stocking. If I can't hold him/her, at least I can write how I feel. <3
A lot has happened in the past 14 months. Even though a lot has happened, we are still no closer to having a child. How can that be? I thought we would start seeing the fertility specialist and we would have our baby. But turns out that's not how it always works.
In the past 14 months:
- I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and found out I am anovulatory (this means I do not produce mature follicles or ovulate).
- I had an HSG procedure to make sure my tubes are open (they are).
- I had an SHG to check for polyps.
- I had a hysteroscopy surgery (with IV and anesthesia) to remove a polyp and showed I have an arcuate shaped uterus.
- We did 6 medicated cycles. Out of these 6, I only responded 1 time.
- We got pregnant from that medicated cycle that I respond to. But we lost baby at 6 weeks.
- I was diagnosed with MTHFR mutation and added 3 more pills to my daily routine.
- I had an ovarian cyst that I had to take medication to shrink down.
- I have gained 20+ lbs from medications, stress, and emotional eating.
All of this and we still are in limbo it feels like. We are getting ready to (hopefully) start a new medicated cycle this month. I have an ultrasound today to get the approval to do injections. Our doctor is switching me to a different medication and doubling the dosage. If I respond and my follicles grow, they we can trigger to release the follicle(s). If not, then we will have to talk about the next option.