Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My child

I will miss the child I never met every day of my life. I may have only carried this baby for 6 weeks, but it was a part of me, a part of my husband, and everything we wanted. I am deeply saddened and not sure how to go about normal life. I feel like my life is on hold, but meanwhile the whole world is continuing to move. How can that be? Shouldn't the whole world stop and see me? See my pain? My heart is broken. I'm empty. I cry at random times. I miss my baby, my Christmas baby, my husband's baby, our baby. The baby we made together. I miss our future. The future we should have had together as a family of 3.

How do you move on? What am I supposed to do now? Our baby is gone. It took us 8 years, lots of testing, a surgery, never ending doctor appointments, and hormone injections to make this baby. And then the baby disappears? That's not fair. It's not fair we can't naturally get pregnant. It's not fair my baby died. The baby that was so wanted and so tried for. Now we have to start over. We have to do treatment again. And just try to hope that we get a better result next time. If there is a next time. Maybe one day we will bring a baby home. I just wish I knew what the future holds.

To the baby I will never meet:
     I think about you every day. You were our future. I loved you so deeply so fast. I don't know how to go on without you. My heart hurts so badly. I can't imagine that you no longer exist. I'll never be able to explain the pain I felt losing you. It's every day and it never goes away. I can't stop thinking of you. I'll never meet you. Your daddy will never meet you. This weighs so heavy on my heart. All we wanted was you.
     No matter what I do, you will always be my first. If we have another baby, I will give them double the love. The love I would have given you and the love I have for them. I will always think of you and always love you. You were our dream, it was just over way too fast. Please know even though you were gone too soon, you will always be in my heart. For I love you and have loved you before you were created. I hoped for you, wished for you, and wanted you more than anything.
     I wish that daddy, you, and me could have been the most amazing family together. I know you would have been the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. 
    I miss you. My heart is broken without you here.
                                                                                      I love you I love you I love you,

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Why the obgyn office is the devil to women with infertility

Anytime I have to go to the obgyn I can't help but think of how much I hate it.

I prefer going to my fertility specialist over the obgyn and this is why..

The fertility specialist:

  • It's their job to help me conceive. 
  • The DR, nurses, lab tech, receptionist..they are all friendly and want you to succeed.
  • The waiting room is cozy with couches and pillows. And they have water and coffee while you wait.
  • The ultrasound rooms are dimly lit, comfortable, and they have actual fabric blankets to cover your lower half.
  • Everyone in the waiting room is typically not pregnant.
  • Everyone in the waiting room usually gives each other nervous shy smiles. I can only imagine what is going through their minds. Probably the same as me which is "I'm so sorry we both have to be here."
  • Once the DR comes in, they go over everything with you and they are never in a rush.
  • The DR and nurses actually listen to you and your concerns.
  • They have compassion and try to give you hope.

The obgyn:

  • Their main job is to help pregnant women. Therefore everyone in the waiting room is pregnant.
  • The receptionists aren't friendly and have a glass window they slide open so they can talk to you.
  • The waiting room is uncomfortable.
  • The obgyn usually spends less than 5 minutes talking with you.
  • The rooms are brightly lit, uncomfortable, and they give you tissue paper-like blankets to cover your lower half.
  • If you mention your infertility, you normally get comments like "I know someone who adopted and then BAM they were pregnant!" or "Oh don't worry, you'll be pregnant next time I see you."
  • Did I mention everyone in the waiting room is pregnant?
  • Everyone in the waiting room is pregnant!

Monday, August 4, 2014

12 days of shots for nothing?

This cycle was our 2nd time on HMG injections. Since this worked last time we were very hopeful that maybe, just maybe, they would work again. I did 12 days of injections and a lot of ultrasound monitoring at the specialist's office.

But today, cycle day 15, this cycle has been officially cancelled. My follicles did not respond like they did last time. They stalled out at only 8mm, but we need larger than an 18mm to be able to have a chance at making a baby.

This is very frustrating. We were expecting a similar result as last time, we thought we would be able to do the trigger shot, and have at least a CHANCE at getting pregnant.

But, nope, no chance. Not this time.

Our fertility specialist wants us to move on to a different type of injection and double the dosage. So we have that to look forward to..NOT.