On the eve of thirty

In just a few days, I will be thirty.

I have a lot of feelings about starting a new decade. I am not where I thought I would be. I don't feel this old. I don't want to be this old. I don't want to start my thirties without the family I imagined. I had no choice in this. I thought we were supposed to make decisions on how our life turns out. Aren't we supposed to control how our life goes? We are told that if we want it, if we dream it, then of course we can have it. All you need is a positive outlook. That is what we are told. If only it was that easy. If only we could imagine something and have it. If only we could have what we want in life. But guess what? You can't control everything. Some people get lucky and they can do what they want and have the life they imagined. Well, good for them. I am not one of those lucky people.

If I had the control of my life, I would have children. I would have children with my husband of nine years. We would probably have a kindergartner, a toddler, and maybe even another on the way. Nine years and we have none. The heartbreak some days is unbearable. I just continue on hoping some day we'll get lucky. Some day to maybe have a chance. Some day to finally have control over the decision. To control my future and my family's future.

But as of now, here I am starting my thirties like this. Not knowing if I will go on barely surviving and another decade of disappointment.