Limbo

I remember the carefree days of "when it happens." That has long ago changed to "if it happens" and "how will it happen." We are saving for IVF and I am counting the days of possibly having the procedure that can finally change my life and make me whole again.

Until then, I am just here in limbo. Waiting. What do I do now?

Dream on hold

We definitely did not expect this cycle to be another failure. We didn't think we would be the ones who need $24,000 to make our baby. This has been the rollercoaster ride from hell.

Now our dream is on hold. It's hard to keep waiting and waiting for the one thing you want so badly. But we have no choice. I am hoping to find a job as soon as possible that will allow us to save up some money for treatment. The plan is to save for 6 months and see where we are then. Hopefully we will have more than half in 6-8 months and then we can finance the rest.

Yes, we are going to finance our potential child. Who would ever think that's how you make a baby? Plus doing IVF is no guarantee. The odds are with us, but you cannot predict how this will turn out. What if it takes 2 or 3 tries? That is a lot of time and money.

At this point all we can do is try. We will try our best to make our dream come true.

Until then, I will try my best to be as sane as possible. But that is not easy.

Injections = fail

Welp, here we are again. Another busted cycle. We tried upping the meds this cycle and I still did not respond. I cannot even describe how disappointing this is.

What now? Well, we got the price breakdown for IVF and it will cost over $20k. So now I am on the hunt for a full time job to be able to save up as much as we can in the next 6 months. Hopefully we will be able to pursue this by my 30th birthday in September.

Unless we win the lottery. Or I rob a bank. Or someone leaves a blank check on our doorstep.

My little blonde girl

I dream often of her,

This little blonde girl,

She looks about two and she has bright blue eyes,

Each time I dream of her,

Those eyes get brighter and brighter,

She squeezes my hand,

While we skip around the park,

Daddy is nearby,

She smiles when she looks over at him,

I don't want to wake from this dream,

My dream is all I have of her,

I want to stay there forever,

I awaken from my dream sad,

I just want to be there with her,

This little blond girl,

Is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,

Sometimes she picks flowers,

And hands them to me,

Oh little blonde girl,

I'm awake but I still picture your face,

And you kind of look like me,

My little blonde girl.

I am completely uninterested in a life without you.

(My definition of purgatory - the place between wanting to be a mom and becoming a mom.)

January cycle - double menopur

Here we go again.

Today is cycle day 5 so we did our first injection for this cycle. I will go in Friday just to take a look and make sure things are good, then next week will show if I am responding to treatment this time.

Fingers crossed my body likes this dosage of meds and responds well!!

A little sense of humor during this crazy emotional time.

Here we go again!

Hello 2015. Please be good to us.

New cycle started so I will be calling the specialist tomorrow to set up an appointment for my baseline ultrasound. As long as there are no cysts, we will be able to do injections again. This time we will be going back to the original hormone injection (menopur) and doubling the dosage.

I have my fingers crossed and my heart open to this working. Menopur is the hormone I did last year which worked and then the second time I didn't respond. Doubling the dosage could do the trick. That is what we are hoping anyways. If this fails again, we will have to talk with the specialist on what to do. He has already mentioned IVF to us since I do have a lot of eggs, it may be the best bet for us. Hopefully we don't have to have that conversation.

I am submitting my resume to companies that are hiring in hopes that I can find a good job with good hours and hopefully save up enough money in case it comes to IVF. I also have a GoFundMe profile that I haven't started sharing yet, but it's ready if family/friends want to help us grow our family.*

This has to be the year. OUR year. I don't know how much longer we can keep trying and keep getting disappointed.


*If you are reading this and want to help us, please contact me. Thank you thank you.