A letter from my future self

Dear past me,

I know how you feel. I used to be where you are right now. I wanted the family I dreamed of. I wanted my family to feel complete. I ached to say the words, "We're pregnant!" I wanted our families to be so excited we were finally welcoming a little one into our world. I wanted to hold my baby. It hurt so badly to want this and not be able to have it at the time. I did everything to help my chances of our dream to come true.

Dear past me, I know you hurt. I know this isn't easy. I know most people don't understand. I know you have a mother's heart but no baby.

This is why I am writing to you. Past me, you have no idea what your future holds, but I do. Your future is more than you can imagine. You cannot picture the excitement in your husband's eyes when he first holds your baby. You cannot imagine holding your little one until they fall asleep. You cannot imagine how bright their eyes look at you. All of it is just so much more than you can dream of. You will be so happy. You won't think of any of these past years that you were in pain. This little one will wipe your slate clean. This little one will make it all worth it. You will have a new chapter of your life and it will be your favorite.

Past me, it's okay. It's okay to feel the way you do. I say that because I know it's not the way you will always feel. It's only temporary. Better days are coming and I know you are ready for them. You are beyond ready.

Keep going. Please just keep going. I know the future and it's wonderful.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Love, future you

A Year Ago

This time last year, we should have been getting everything ready to bring our baby home.

A year ago we should have been getting the nursery ready and finishing up any last minute things that needed to be done.

A year ago we should have had a hospital bag packed and ready to go because it could happen any day now.

A year ago we should have been having our last days as just the two of us.

A year ago we should have been counting down the days until we got to meet our little one.

A year ago we should have celebrated our first Christmas with our baby.

A year ago we should have become a family of three!

A year ago none of this happened. It was taken away from us. Our baby didn't make it far enough along. Our baby never came home.

And here we are again, still no baby.

The end of another year

Well we are now just a few weeks until this year is over. Each year goes by and I am just still here waiting. Waiting for something that could happen or may never happen. I have no idea which it is.

I am holding my breath. I keep wondering when I will turn blue and just stop breathing. How much longer do I need to keep wondering what my future holds? I just want an answer. I would rather at least have any answer than none.

Living in limbo is not living. I am just not sure how much longer I can stay here.