To baby

Baby,

I can't breathe. I feel like I'm walking around holding my breath and at any moment I could just pass out. Thinking about you. Thinking about never holding you or kissing you. Or hearing your first cry. Or seeing your smile.
We found out you aren't going to come home with us. You aren't going to make it. I can already picture your blue eyes and squishy cheeks. I already picked out an outfit for you and tiny shoes. But our dreams won't come true. Seeing you won't happen. My heart is crushed. I won't hear you say mama. I won't kiss your boo-boos away. Your brother won't get to hold you and love you.
I'm so sorry. We love you.

I love you
I love you
I love you,

Mommy

Frozen embryo transfer take two

So we must be crazy. And hopeful. And hopefully crazy lucky. We met with our infertility specialist last month to talk about trying for our second baby! Since then I went in for a few more appointments already. I had a sonohysterogram to see if my body could be ready for an embryo transfer. We did find that I have 3 polyps in my uterus.

I had a polyp removed before about 5 years ago. There is anesthesia and IVs involved. Plus it is expensive. So looks like I have to do this again. I have it scheduled for this Wednesday! I remember it being a pretty easy recovery, so let's hope all goes well. If surgery goes smoothly we then have injection training and consent forms to fill out the following week to schedule our IVF transfer.

Here's a look into the schedule that goes into trying to have a baby through a frozen embryo transfer..

- Appt 1: Consult with infertility specialist to talk about trying again. Bloodwork.

- Appt 2: Ultrasound once cycle starts. Bloodwork. Start birth control to keep body dormant.

- Appt 3: Sonohysterogram to check uterus. Pick up medications at pharmacy.

- Appt 4: For me, surgery to remove polyps.

- Appt 5: Injection training and go over medications. Sign consent forms.

Around this time I will stop birth control to get another cycle to start. Start more meds.

- Appt 6, 7, maybe 8: Ultrasounds to check lining. Bloodwork. More meds.

- If all goes well appt 8/9: Frozen embryo transfer.

Then you go back for more appts for bloodwork and ultrasound. Order more meds.

Then you wait to see if all this equals a pregnancy.

This will end up being about a 3-4 month process. If it works, you are over the moon and it was SO worth it! If it doesn't work you have to try again or take a break.

Estimated cost when insurance doesn't help at all: $8,000- $10,000.
If you have to try again: $6,000 each try.

So fingers crossed and baby dust!!!

Almost 2 years old

Our baby boy is now less than 2 months away from being a big TWO year old. I cannot believe how fast time has gone. He is wild, energetic, sweet, and such a toddler now. He is starting to say more words and he likes certain shows. He still loves cars and trucks. He loves cheese. Like he LOVES cheese. Just like mommy and daddy do too. He screams. He cries. He tries to get into seriously everything. He wants to climb on counters. He wants to see everything we are doing and everything that we get.

He can open doors! He splashes like a crazy person in the bathtub and soaks mommy and the floor. He is a handful. He is amazing. He is the little boy we dreamed of.

I couldn't have imagined almost 3 years ago how amazing and crazy it is being mom. That is when we started the IVF process to make him! He is one of the embryos we created during that first cycle that was then frozen. That first cycle did not work out. We had to wait and try again later. This little wild boy was created, then frozen, and then un-frozen! Can you imagine that? That little snowflake was made almost 3 years ago. And now he is almost 2.

A lot of people tell you (even doctors!) that once you have your first from IVF, that maybe you will be super lucky and get pregnant naturally with your second. What? Really? Wow, I can't wait to surprise myself and my husband and my family and our son with a second baby! That sounds amazing..

Well you guys, guess what. No. Our son is almost 2 and we have not magically conceived him a sibling. Even though they said it could happen. It was possible they said. But it doesn't always happen like that. I have come to terms that I will never get to surprise my husband with a baby. I won't feel sick one day and take a test which turns out to be a positive pregnancy test.

Even though that does sting deep down some days, I know it's okay. It is perfectly alright to be one of the couples who has a different story. Because our story is so unique. It is hard to describe the day you transfer an embryo into your uterus. It is not common for your baby's first picture to be a 5 day old blastocyst picture.

Now that we have our first child, we are ready to add one more. It is not easy like it is for some people. We have to plan with our specialist, go to ultrasounds, do bloodwork, injections, and pay for the chance to have another baby. It is a very emotional thing to go into all of this not knowing the outcome. But I will do it for a chance to turn a frozen embryo into a screaming, wild child who loves cheese.

Christmas Mommy

This Christmas season was so different for me. I took a little boy to meet Santa. I wrapped gifts that said, "From: Mommy and Daddy." I watched my baby boy crawl and try to grab the tree branches. We played Christmas music and bounced around. We read The Night Before Christmas while little hands tried (and succeeded) in ripping the pages of the book. I put photos in Baby's First Christmas frames.

These sound like the smallest things. To me they mean everything. Our baby boy is now 8.5 months old. We wanted him for so long and waited for him. We went through so much and now that he is here every moment means so much. We are so lucky. I could not even imagine our life without him.

Dylan now has 5 teeth and is crawling everywhere. He keeps me busy every day and I am so happy.

Baby's first Christmas.

And my first Christmas as Mommy.

My boy

The moons and stars whispered to me,

Try just one more time,

It will be worth it,

And I believed them,

I pushed through hard times,

Just to see your face,

My heart broke so many times before you,

time and time again,

My life seemed over,

Then there you were,

You put all the shattered pieces back together,

My blue eyed boy,

You were meant to be,

You were meant to be mine.

I love you I love you I love you.

Four months

Our son just turned 4 months old. The son that we hoped for and dreamed of. The son we went through hell to create. The son that we did not know for sure would exist.

I have been wanting to post what it feels like to finally be a mom. To finally hold my child. To finally see my husband hold our child. It is hard to describe the overwhelming feeling of love and completeness.

This little boy that we created together fills the hole in our hearts. He is beyond anything we could have ever imagined and he feels like the baby we were meant to have. There was such a long time of sadness in my heart and an unsure feeling of if we could ever bring home a baby to raise together. Those years of feelings aren't erased but they have been replaced with feelings of happiness and a feeling of being whole. That is the best way to describe the journey I went on. My heart was missing a piece before. I knew I was missing out on so much and missing out on the thing I always wanted. I wanted someone to call me mom.

And I just know that from now on I mean more to someone than I have ever before. He will depend on me. When little does he know that my life depended on him.

Baby boy Baxter, our Dylan, you are everything I imagined and more than I could have ever imagined. I love you I love you I love you.

Things no one tells you about having a baby

When you are pregnant, people give you lots of advice but they don't tell you things you actually need to know.

Here is my list of things I wish people told me:

1. Once you have your baby at the hospital there will be lots of people coming in and out of your room. They will poke your baby's foot to take blood. They will want to do hearing tests on your baby. They will want you to write down when your baby eats and has a dirty diaper. I was not prepared for absolutely no privacy and no alone time with my baby.

2. We said we were going to breastfeed on our birth plan with the hospital. What that meant for us was once baby was born, they watched you attempt to feed him every few hours even though your milk didn't come in yet. There is a chance your baby won't latch. Maybe you will try a nipple shield to get him to. Baby isn't getting much food yet and is hungry. What ended up happening for us was our baby lost too much weight. He also had slight jaundice. So this means he is hungry, losing weight, and his jaundice isn't getting better because of that. This turns into going to the pediatrician 2 days in a row when baby is just a few days old and needing to get your baby's weight back up.

3. You know you will bleed. But do you know for how long? 4 weeks later and it is still happening. It may stop but don't let that fool you, it will start back up a few times before it really stops for good.

4. Did you get a c-section? You will be in lots of pain. You will have an incision that takes time to heal. When you bend over or move too fast, it will sting. Even weeks later when it looks like it's healing well, you may find a white string on the end and think what is that!? Oh it's the dissolving stitches that didn't dissolve but instead poked out.

5. Baby may wake up every 2-2.5 hours at night. It will take about 30-45 minutes to feed, change, and sooth baby. This means you will get 1-1.5 hours of sleep at a time.

6. Napping during the day when baby naps? Sounds great in theory. But maybe you just spent 2 hours feeding, changing, soothing, playing with baby. Finally they fall asleep. You have an hour, maybe 2 hours of free time. Oh you didn't eat lunch yet. So let's eat. Then strap the pump to you to get some milk for later. Drink tea to help with milk production. Let the dog outside. Brush your teeth and wash your face. Oh no, time's up! Baby is ready for food and to be changed again. Sorry, no nap!

7. You plan on breastfeeding? That's great. But maybe baby won't latch. You both get frustrated. Let's pump! Oh you don't produce enough so you need to supplement with formula. It's okay! It's okay for baby to drink from a bottle. It's okay for baby to get some breast milk and formula.

8. The days go fast. Taking care of your baby takes up your whole day. And your day flies by because you are on call 24/7. You will probably forget what day it even is.

People tell you it will be amazing and the best thing you ever do. They are right. Having this baby boy with my wonderful husband will be the greatest accomplishment I will do in my lifetime.