Missing out

I am missing out on everything. I feel like I get shafted because I don't have children yet.

With many holidays coming up, it's another year of missing out on a lot of activities I should be having with my child. Halloween is a week away and I have no plans. I don't get to help my child pick out a costume and get dressed up to go trick or treating. I don't get to see the excitement on their face when they spill out their candy onto the table. I don't get to barter with them about how many pieces they can eat right away and what pieces I will be stealing from them. Thanksgiving is next month and I am not thankful. I am not happy about being childless. It's the only thing in the world that I want and I should be able to have it. Christmas is not far away either. I don't get a little helper to assist me in putting up the tree. I don't get to plan out Christmas gifts and wrap them for under the tree. I don't get to go look at Christmas lights with a little excited mini me. I don't get woken up at 6am from a child's voice screaming "Santa was here!" I don't get to finger paint, plan crafts, hear soft laughter, fix boo-boos, make holiday shaped cookies, play games, read children's books, and get the big hugs from my child. I don't get to go to Disneyland, teach how to swim, learn the words to opening credits of cartoons, and go to carnivals. I could go on and on. Everything I want, I don't get to have.

It begins again

I could write a thousand entries and still not convey to you what this feels like deep in my soul.

As we start again I am just trying to be positive, hope that we have good results, and have good news this time. I am meeting with a new specialist next week to go over their options for IVF. Then we will be able to compare our options and make a decision on where to go from here. It won't be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it.

I am just holding tight that our child will be here soon.