A letter from my future self

Dear past me,

I know how you feel. I used to be where you are right now. I wanted the family I dreamed of. I wanted my family to feel complete. I ached to say the words, "We're pregnant!" I wanted our families to be so excited we were finally welcoming a little one into our world. I wanted to hold my baby. It hurt so badly to want this and not be able to have it at the time. I did everything to help my chances of our dream to come true.

Dear past me, I know you hurt. I know this isn't easy. I know most people don't understand. I know you have a mother's heart but no baby.

This is why I am writing to you. Past me, you have no idea what your future holds, but I do. Your future is more than you can imagine. You cannot picture the excitement in your husband's eyes when he first holds your baby. You cannot imagine holding your little one until they fall asleep. You cannot imagine how bright their eyes look at you. All of it is just so much more than you can dream of. You will be so happy. You won't think of any of these past years that you were in pain. This little one will wipe your slate clean. This little one will make it all worth it. You will have a new chapter of your life and it will be your favorite.

Past me, it's okay. It's okay to feel the way you do. I say that because I know it's not the way you will always feel. It's only temporary. Better days are coming and I know you are ready for them. You are beyond ready.

Keep going. Please just keep going. I know the future and it's wonderful.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Love, future you

A Year Ago

This time last year, we should have been getting everything ready to bring our baby home.

A year ago we should have been getting the nursery ready and finishing up any last minute things that needed to be done.

A year ago we should have had a hospital bag packed and ready to go because it could happen any day now.

A year ago we should have been having our last days as just the two of us.

A year ago we should have been counting down the days until we got to meet our little one.

A year ago we should have celebrated our first Christmas with our baby.

A year ago we should have become a family of three!

A year ago none of this happened. It was taken away from us. Our baby didn't make it far enough along. Our baby never came home.

And here we are again, still no baby.

The end of another year

Well we are now just a few weeks until this year is over. Each year goes by and I am just still here waiting. Waiting for something that could happen or may never happen. I have no idea which it is.

I am holding my breath. I keep wondering when I will turn blue and just stop breathing. How much longer do I need to keep wondering what my future holds? I just want an answer. I would rather at least have any answer than none.

Living in limbo is not living. I am just not sure how much longer I can stay here.

Follow up appointment

Well today was our follow up appointment to go over the results of everything.

So here we go..

The genetics testing tested for 100 different genes. I am a carrier of 1 called glutaric acidemia type 1. This means my husband now had to do the genetic testing also to make sure he isn't a carrier of the same gene. He did the bloodwork today and that should come back in about 2 weeks.

The MRI results showed I have a septate uterus. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with an arcuate uterus which is no problem. Now it's being said that it's actually a septate. During my hysteroscopy surgery 2 years ago, that specialist said there was no septum. So here I am again having to worry about this. The new specialist would like me to have another hysteroscopy surgery to determine if the septum needs to be corrected or not. This would have to be done at the hospital. The frustration I feel from the misdiagnosis to now this diagnosis is very upsetting.

The bloodwork I did showed that my thyroid level went from 1.8 three months ago to now a 5.7. It needs to be under a 2. I have been taking the same thyroid med for 2 years, so I have no clue why it all of a sudden jumped to such a high level. So now I have to see an endocrinologist regarding this.

My testosterone level is way too high because of the PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). The way you regulate this is with birth control (HA!). So that will not be an option for us.


Now the plan is to do a high dosage of metformin and try to lose weight. Then after 6 weeks, I will be put on medication to make my new cycle start. We will then try metformin and femara together. This combo sometimes helps women with PCOS ovulate. I will be monitored by ultrasound to see if I am responding.

We also have to decide on if I will be doing the surgery again for the septate uterus or if we will wait on that if we proceed with IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization).

So there's that. Just another appointment filled with nothing but bad news and more bad news. I don't know why I ever expect anything other than this.

Missing out

I am missing out on everything. I feel like I get shafted because I don't have children yet.

With many holidays coming up, it's another year of missing out on a lot of activities I should be having with my child. Halloween is a week away and I have no plans. I don't get to help my child pick out a costume and get dressed up to go trick or treating. I don't get to see the excitement on their face when they spill out their candy onto the table. I don't get to barter with them about how many pieces they can eat right away and what pieces I will be stealing from them. Thanksgiving is next month and I am not thankful. I am not happy about being childless. It's the only thing in the world that I want and I should be able to have it. Christmas is not far away either. I don't get a little helper to assist me in putting up the tree. I don't get to plan out Christmas gifts and wrap them for under the tree. I don't get to go look at Christmas lights with a little excited mini me. I don't get woken up at 6am from a child's voice screaming "Santa was here!" I don't get to finger paint, plan crafts, hear soft laughter, fix boo-boos, make holiday shaped cookies, play games, read children's books, and get the big hugs from my child. I don't get to go to Disneyland, teach how to swim, learn the words to opening credits of cartoons, and go to carnivals. I could go on and on. Everything I want, I don't get to have.

It begins again

I could write a thousand entries and still not convey to you what this feels like deep in my soul.

As we start again I am just trying to be positive, hope that we have good results, and have good news this time. I am meeting with a new specialist next week to go over their options for IVF. Then we will be able to compare our options and make a decision on where to go from here. It won't be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it.

I am just holding tight that our child will be here soon.

On the eve of thirty

In just a few days, I will be thirty.

I have a lot of feelings about starting a new decade. I am not where I thought I would be. I don't feel this old. I don't want to be this old. I don't want to start my thirties without the family I imagined. I had no choice in this. I thought we were supposed to make decisions on how our life turns out. Aren't we supposed to control how our life goes? We are told that if we want it, if we dream it, then of course we can have it. All you need is a positive outlook. That is what we are told. If only it was that easy. If only we could imagine something and have it. If only we could have what we want in life. But guess what? You can't control everything. Some people get lucky and they can do what they want and have the life they imagined. Well, good for them. I am not one of those lucky people.

If I had the control of my life, I would have children. I would have children with my husband of nine years. We would probably have a kindergartner, a toddler, and maybe even another on the way. Nine years and we have none. The heartbreak some days is unbearable. I just continue on hoping some day we'll get lucky. Some day to maybe have a chance. Some day to finally have control over the decision. To control my future and my family's future.

But as of now, here I am starting my thirties like this. Not knowing if I will go on barely surviving and another decade of disappointment.

If there was a fast forward button...

I would push it. Without even thinking, I would punch that button so hard. I know there are a thousand quotes saying to live in the moment. But imagine that living in the moment is killing your spirit. I just want to know what my future holds. If I am able to have my family and be who I want to be. Not knowing is hard. It's too hard. The disappointment of treatment not working. The disappointment of a one time good cycle that made a baby. The disappointment of not bringing that baby home. The pain of not knowing if you will ever bring a baby home.

If you were living through this..No, wait..not living. If you were existing through this, you would push the fast forward button, too.

4 months later

I have been working now for over 4 months, trying to save up what we can. We have been doing pretty well with saving up with 2 incomes, my husband's bonus, and our taxes that we actually got money back on! I have also tried not to buy much and have actually sold stuff we didn't need.

Now the plan is to talk with our fertility specialist and get the timeline for our IVF (in-vitro) and FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a long process and hopefully we can start by August!


I have been feeling down and just want some hope again. Having 0 chances each month is very hard.

I just want to bring our baby home.

When?

How many times have I heard the questions, "Do you have kids?" and "When are you having kids?"

Too many times!

Yes I have been married for awhile now. 9 years next month. Of course people ask how many children we have. When I say "none yet." They continue to ask questions.

They ask questions that have no answers. I don't even know. I don't know when I will have children. If I will have children. How many children I will have. I have no clue.

These questions that seem so easy to ask are not so easy to answer. Be aware. Be kind.

I went a lot of years alone with this. I am speaking out to make sure others don't feel alone.

You aren't alone.

A Year Ago

This time last year we were pregnant. We got our first positive test on April 14th. Then 2 days later we had an even stronger positive! A few days after that we went to our fertility specialist to do a blood test. They called us on the afternoon of April 18th and confirmed that yes we were pregnant! We couldn't have been happier. Treatment had worked and we were finally going to have a baby.

It was Easter weekend. We told family and close friends who knew that we were going through treatment. My mom cried! She was so happy. 

We were going to have an almost Christmas baby! Due right around Dec 22nd.

Then the following weekend the bleeding started.

It was all over.

Here we are a year later. Still waiting to be parents. Still waiting for our child.

No end in sight to this waiting.

My heart's desire

Some days are okay. I laugh and am okay with what I am doing in my life. Other days are hard. Most days are hard. Some days there are pregnancy announcements or newborn photos uploaded. Some days there are commercials of dancing pregnant women, diaper commercials, and even advertisements for phone lines for assistance on what to do for an unwanted pregnancy.

And then here I am with the deepest desire in my heart and soul to be a mother. To finally have my baby with my husband of (almost) 9 years. But my desire doesn't get answered. It just sits there and waits, and waits, and waits.

Why do I have this desire with a body that doesn't cooperate? Some days it would be easier to not want this so much. Not want this at all. Then I wouldn't feel like there is a gaping hole in my heart.

What do I do until my dream comes true? I guess I just continue "living" and keep hoping that one day I will be a mother. Keep hoping that one day I can hold our baby in my arms and say it was all worth it.

Until then I will just wait.

Limbo

I remember the carefree days of "when it happens." That has long ago changed to "if it happens" and "how will it happen." We are saving for IVF and I am counting the days of possibly having the procedure that can finally change my life and make me whole again.

Until then, I am just here in limbo. Waiting. What do I do now?

Dream on hold

We definitely did not expect this cycle to be another failure. We didn't think we would be the ones who need $24,000 to make our baby. This has been the rollercoaster ride from hell.

Now our dream is on hold. It's hard to keep waiting and waiting for the one thing you want so badly. But we have no choice. I am hoping to find a job as soon as possible that will allow us to save up some money for treatment. The plan is to save for 6 months and see where we are then. Hopefully we will have more than half in 6-8 months and then we can finance the rest.

Yes, we are going to finance our potential child. Who would ever think that's how you make a baby? Plus doing IVF is no guarantee. The odds are with us, but you cannot predict how this will turn out. What if it takes 2 or 3 tries? That is a lot of time and money.

At this point all we can do is try. We will try our best to make our dream come true.

Until then, I will try my best to be as sane as possible. But that is not easy.

Injections = fail

Welp, here we are again. Another busted cycle. We tried upping the meds this cycle and I still did not respond. I cannot even describe how disappointing this is.

What now? Well, we got the price breakdown for IVF and it will cost over $20k. So now I am on the hunt for a full time job to be able to save up as much as we can in the next 6 months. Hopefully we will be able to pursue this by my 30th birthday in September.

Unless we win the lottery. Or I rob a bank. Or someone leaves a blank check on our doorstep.

My little blonde girl

I dream often of her,

This little blonde girl,

She looks about two and she has bright blue eyes,

Each time I dream of her,

Those eyes get brighter and brighter,

She squeezes my hand,

While we skip around the park,

Daddy is nearby,

She smiles when she looks over at him,

I don't want to wake from this dream,

My dream is all I have of her,

I want to stay there forever,

I awaken from my dream sad,

I just want to be there with her,

This little blond girl,

Is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,

Sometimes she picks flowers,

And hands them to me,

Oh little blonde girl,

I'm awake but I still picture your face,

And you kind of look like me,

My little blonde girl.

I am completely uninterested in a life without you.

(My definition of purgatory - the place between wanting to be a mom and becoming a mom.)

January cycle - double menopur

Here we go again.

Today is cycle day 5 so we did our first injection for this cycle. I will go in Friday just to take a look and make sure things are good, then next week will show if I am responding to treatment this time.

Fingers crossed my body likes this dosage of meds and responds well!!

A little sense of humor during this crazy emotional time.

Here we go again!

Hello 2015. Please be good to us.

New cycle started so I will be calling the specialist tomorrow to set up an appointment for my baseline ultrasound. As long as there are no cysts, we will be able to do injections again. This time we will be going back to the original hormone injection (menopur) and doubling the dosage.

I have my fingers crossed and my heart open to this working. Menopur is the hormone I did last year which worked and then the second time I didn't respond. Doubling the dosage could do the trick. That is what we are hoping anyways. If this fails again, we will have to talk with the specialist on what to do. He has already mentioned IVF to us since I do have a lot of eggs, it may be the best bet for us. Hopefully we don't have to have that conversation.

I am submitting my resume to companies that are hiring in hopes that I can find a good job with good hours and hopefully save up enough money in case it comes to IVF. I also have a GoFundMe profile that I haven't started sharing yet, but it's ready if family/friends want to help us grow our family.*

This has to be the year. OUR year. I don't know how much longer we can keep trying and keep getting disappointed.


*If you are reading this and want to help us, please contact me. Thank you thank you.