Missing out

I am missing out on everything. I feel like I get shafted because I don't have children yet.

With many holidays coming up, it's another year of missing out on a lot of activities I should be having with my child. Halloween is a week away and I have no plans. I don't get to help my child pick out a costume and get dressed up to go trick or treating. I don't get to see the excitement on their face when they spill out their candy onto the table. I don't get to barter with them about how many pieces they can eat right away and what pieces I will be stealing from them. Thanksgiving is next month and I am not thankful. I am not happy about being childless. It's the only thing in the world that I want and I should be able to have it. Christmas is not far away either. I don't get a little helper to assist me in putting up the tree. I don't get to plan out Christmas gifts and wrap them for under the tree. I don't get to go look at Christmas lights with a little excited mini me. I don't get woken up at 6am from a child's voice screaming "Santa was here!" I don't get to finger paint, plan crafts, hear soft laughter, fix boo-boos, make holiday shaped cookies, play games, read children's books, and get the big hugs from my child. I don't get to go to Disneyland, teach how to swim, learn the words to opening credits of cartoons, and go to carnivals. I could go on and on. Everything I want, I don't get to have.

It begins again

I could write a thousand entries and still not convey to you what this feels like deep in my soul.

As we start again I am just trying to be positive, hope that we have good results, and have good news this time. I am meeting with a new specialist next week to go over their options for IVF. Then we will be able to compare our options and make a decision on where to go from here. It won't be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it.

I am just holding tight that our child will be here soon.

On the eve of thirty

In just a few days, I will be thirty.

I have a lot of feelings about starting a new decade. I am not where I thought I would be. I don't feel this old. I don't want to be this old. I don't want to start my thirties without the family I imagined. I had no choice in this. I thought we were supposed to make decisions on how our life turns out. Aren't we supposed to control how our life goes? We are told that if we want it, if we dream it, then of course we can have it. All you need is a positive outlook. That is what we are told. If only it was that easy. If only we could imagine something and have it. If only we could have what we want in life. But guess what? You can't control everything. Some people get lucky and they can do what they want and have the life they imagined. Well, good for them. I am not one of those lucky people.

If I had the control of my life, I would have children. I would have children with my husband of nine years. We would probably have a kindergartner, a toddler, and maybe even another on the way. Nine years and we have none. The heartbreak some days is unbearable. I just continue on hoping some day we'll get lucky. Some day to maybe have a chance. Some day to finally have control over the decision. To control my future and my family's future.

But as of now, here I am starting my thirties like this. Not knowing if I will go on barely surviving and another decade of disappointment.

If there was a fast forward button...

I would push it. Without even thinking, I would punch that button so hard. I know there are a thousand quotes saying to live in the moment. But imagine that living in the moment is killing your spirit. I just want to know what my future holds. If I am able to have my family and be who I want to be. Not knowing is hard. It's too hard. The disappointment of treatment not working. The disappointment of a one time good cycle that made a baby. The disappointment of not bringing that baby home. The pain of not knowing if you will ever bring a baby home.

If you were living through this..No, wait..not living. If you were existing through this, you would push the fast forward button, too.

4 months later

I have been working now for over 4 months, trying to save up what we can. We have been doing pretty well with saving up with 2 incomes, my husband's bonus, and our taxes that we actually got money back on! I have also tried not to buy much and have actually sold stuff we didn't need.

Now the plan is to talk with our fertility specialist and get the timeline for our IVF (in-vitro) and FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a long process and hopefully we can start by August!


I have been feeling down and just want some hope again. Having 0 chances each month is very hard.

I just want to bring our baby home.

When?

How many times have I heard the questions, "Do you have kids?" and "When are you having kids?"

Too many times!

Yes I have been married for awhile now. 9 years next month. Of course people ask how many children we have. When I say "none yet." They continue to ask questions.

They ask questions that have no answers. I don't even know. I don't know when I will have children. If I will have children. How many children I will have. I have no clue.

These questions that seem so easy to ask are not so easy to answer. Be aware. Be kind.

I went a lot of years alone with this. I am speaking out to make sure others don't feel alone.

You aren't alone.

A Year Ago

This time last year we were pregnant. We got our first positive test on April 14th. Then 2 days later we had an even stronger positive! A few days after that we went to our fertility specialist to do a blood test. They called us on the afternoon of April 18th and confirmed that yes we were pregnant! We couldn't have been happier. Treatment had worked and we were finally going to have a baby.

It was Easter weekend. We told family and close friends who knew that we were going through treatment. My mom cried! She was so happy. 

We were going to have an almost Christmas baby! Due right around Dec 22nd.

Then the following weekend the bleeding started.

It was all over.

Here we are a year later. Still waiting to be parents. Still waiting for our child.

No end in sight to this waiting.