Today should have been the day. The day we met you. Held you. Loved on you. The day Dylan became a big brother. What an amazing day it would have been for all of us. But instead today is nothing. Just another day. Nothing to celebrate. There is no you. No chubby cheeks to squish. No little face to kiss.
Would you have had a lot of hair just like your big brother did? Would you have looked like him or completely different? What would we have named you? Gosh so many questions to think of when I think of you. I have been dreading this day. This month. This was going to be your birthday. We were supposed to meet you. And become a family of four.
Instead it is just an empty due date.
Love always,
Mama
Friday, February 7, 2020
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Just one
I get asked often when we are going to have more children. Strangers ask if Dylan is my only child.
Yes, Dylan is our only. We have "just" one child. That's how people phrase it. Just one. If you would have told me 5 years ago that we would have one I would have been so happy! For years we didn't know if we would have any children. We didn't know if we would ever be mama and dada. Now we are! How lucky are we!? We get to have holidays and amazing moments with our little boy that we will never forget. Moments that we didn't know would happen or not. We have a special boy that depends on us. A little boy that cries for mama when he gets boo-boos. A little boy that wants dada to play outside with him.
How amazing that our dream of being parents came true!
We didn't imagine having just one. But that just one is beyond amazing.
Our family is the three of us. We are done trying for another. Are we giving up? Not really. We are taking back control. Do you know what we are actually gaining? We no longer have to see a specialist, go to dozens of appointments, or have disappointments. I don't have to have invasive procedures, do injections, count my cycle days, or have the depressing moments that come along when things don't go right.
It is a heavy weight off my shoulders to take back my life. Most of my 20s and all of my 30s so far has been consumed by wanting to grow our family.
We are changing our picture of what was supposed to be. We simply are just us now. Just the three of us are pretty perfect.
Yes, Dylan is our only. We have "just" one child. That's how people phrase it. Just one. If you would have told me 5 years ago that we would have one I would have been so happy! For years we didn't know if we would have any children. We didn't know if we would ever be mama and dada. Now we are! How lucky are we!? We get to have holidays and amazing moments with our little boy that we will never forget. Moments that we didn't know would happen or not. We have a special boy that depends on us. A little boy that cries for mama when he gets boo-boos. A little boy that wants dada to play outside with him.
How amazing that our dream of being parents came true!
We didn't imagine having just one. But that just one is beyond amazing.
Our family is the three of us. We are done trying for another. Are we giving up? Not really. We are taking back control. Do you know what we are actually gaining? We no longer have to see a specialist, go to dozens of appointments, or have disappointments. I don't have to have invasive procedures, do injections, count my cycle days, or have the depressing moments that come along when things don't go right.
It is a heavy weight off my shoulders to take back my life. Most of my 20s and all of my 30s so far has been consumed by wanting to grow our family.
We are changing our picture of what was supposed to be. We simply are just us now. Just the three of us are pretty perfect.
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
To baby
Baby,
I can't breathe. I feel like I'm walking around holding my breath and at any moment I could just pass out. Thinking about you. Thinking about never holding you or kissing you. Or hearing your first cry. Or seeing your smile.
We found out you aren't going to come home with us. You aren't going to make it. I can already picture your blue eyes and squishy cheeks. I already picked out an outfit for you and tiny shoes. But our dreams won't come true. Seeing you won't happen. My heart is crushed. I won't hear you say mama. I won't kiss your boo-boos away. Your brother won't get to hold you and love you.
I'm so sorry. We love you.
I love you
I love you
I love you,
Mommy
I can't breathe. I feel like I'm walking around holding my breath and at any moment I could just pass out. Thinking about you. Thinking about never holding you or kissing you. Or hearing your first cry. Or seeing your smile.
We found out you aren't going to come home with us. You aren't going to make it. I can already picture your blue eyes and squishy cheeks. I already picked out an outfit for you and tiny shoes. But our dreams won't come true. Seeing you won't happen. My heart is crushed. I won't hear you say mama. I won't kiss your boo-boos away. Your brother won't get to hold you and love you.
I'm so sorry. We love you.
I love you
I love you
I love you,
Mommy
Monday, April 22, 2019
Frozen embryo transfer take two
So we must be crazy. And hopeful. And hopefully crazy lucky. We met with our infertility specialist last month to talk about trying for our second baby! Since then I went in for a few more appointments already. I had a sonohysterogram to see if my body could be ready for an embryo transfer. We did find that I have 3 polyps in my uterus.
I had a polyp removed before about 5 years ago. There is anesthesia and IVs involved. Plus it is expensive. So looks like I have to do this again. I have it scheduled for this Wednesday! I remember it being a pretty easy recovery, so let's hope all goes well. If surgery goes smoothly we then have injection training and consent forms to fill out the following week to schedule our IVF transfer.
Here's a look into the schedule that goes into trying to have a baby through a frozen embryo transfer..
- Appt 1: Consult with infertility specialist to talk about trying again. Bloodwork.
- Appt 2: Ultrasound once cycle starts. Bloodwork. Start birth control to keep body dormant.
- Appt 3: Sonohysterogram to check uterus. Pick up medications at pharmacy.
- Appt 4: For me, surgery to remove polyps.
- Appt 5: Injection training and go over medications. Sign consent forms.
Around this time I will stop birth control to get another cycle to start. Start more meds.
- Appt 6, 7, maybe 8: Ultrasounds to check lining. Bloodwork. More meds.
- If all goes well appt 8/9: Frozen embryo transfer.
Then you go back for more appts for bloodwork and ultrasound. Order more meds.
Then you wait to see if all this equals a pregnancy.
This will end up being about a 3-4 month process. If it works, you are over the moon and it was SO worth it! If it doesn't work you have to try again or take a break.
Estimated cost when insurance doesn't help at all: $8,000- $10,000.
If you have to try again: $6,000 each try.
So fingers crossed and baby dust!!!
I had a polyp removed before about 5 years ago. There is anesthesia and IVs involved. Plus it is expensive. So looks like I have to do this again. I have it scheduled for this Wednesday! I remember it being a pretty easy recovery, so let's hope all goes well. If surgery goes smoothly we then have injection training and consent forms to fill out the following week to schedule our IVF transfer.
Here's a look into the schedule that goes into trying to have a baby through a frozen embryo transfer..
- Appt 1: Consult with infertility specialist to talk about trying again. Bloodwork.
- Appt 2: Ultrasound once cycle starts. Bloodwork. Start birth control to keep body dormant.
- Appt 3: Sonohysterogram to check uterus. Pick up medications at pharmacy.
- Appt 4: For me, surgery to remove polyps.
- Appt 5: Injection training and go over medications. Sign consent forms.
Around this time I will stop birth control to get another cycle to start. Start more meds.
- Appt 6, 7, maybe 8: Ultrasounds to check lining. Bloodwork. More meds.
- If all goes well appt 8/9: Frozen embryo transfer.
Then you go back for more appts for bloodwork and ultrasound. Order more meds.
Then you wait to see if all this equals a pregnancy.
This will end up being about a 3-4 month process. If it works, you are over the moon and it was SO worth it! If it doesn't work you have to try again or take a break.
Estimated cost when insurance doesn't help at all: $8,000- $10,000.
If you have to try again: $6,000 each try.
So fingers crossed and baby dust!!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Almost 2 years old
Our baby boy is now less than 2 months away from being a big TWO year old. I cannot believe how fast time has gone. He is wild, energetic, sweet, and such a toddler now. He is starting to say more words and he likes certain shows. He still loves cars and trucks. He loves cheese. Like he LOVES cheese. Just like mommy and daddy do too. He screams. He cries. He tries to get into seriously everything. He wants to climb on counters. He wants to see everything we are doing and everything that we get.
He can open doors! He splashes like a crazy person in the bathtub and soaks mommy and the floor. He is a handful. He is amazing. He is the little boy we dreamed of.
I couldn't have imagined almost 3 years ago how amazing and crazy it is being mom. That is when we started the IVF process to make him! He is one of the embryos we created during that first cycle that was then frozen. That first cycle did not work out. We had to wait and try again later. This little wild boy was created, then frozen, and then un-frozen! Can you imagine that? That little snowflake was made almost 3 years ago. And now he is almost 2.
A lot of people tell you (even doctors!) that once you have your first from IVF, that maybe you will be super lucky and get pregnant naturally with your second. What? Really? Wow, I can't wait to surprise myself and my husband and my family and our son with a second baby! That sounds amazing..
Well you guys, guess what. No. Our son is almost 2 and we have not magically conceived him a sibling. Even though they said it could happen. It was possible they said. But it doesn't always happen like that. I have come to terms that I will never get to surprise my husband with a baby. I won't feel sick one day and take a test which turns out to be a positive pregnancy test.
Even though that does sting deep down some days, I know it's okay. It is perfectly alright to be one of the couples who has a different story. Because our story is so unique. It is hard to describe the day you transfer an embryo into your uterus. It is not common for your baby's first picture to be a 5 day old blastocyst picture.
Now that we have our first child, we are ready to add one more. It is not easy like it is for some people. We have to plan with our specialist, go to ultrasounds, do bloodwork, injections, and pay for the chance to have another baby. It is a very emotional thing to go into all of this not knowing the outcome. But I will do it for a chance to turn a frozen embryo into a screaming, wild child who loves cheese.
He can open doors! He splashes like a crazy person in the bathtub and soaks mommy and the floor. He is a handful. He is amazing. He is the little boy we dreamed of.
I couldn't have imagined almost 3 years ago how amazing and crazy it is being mom. That is when we started the IVF process to make him! He is one of the embryos we created during that first cycle that was then frozen. That first cycle did not work out. We had to wait and try again later. This little wild boy was created, then frozen, and then un-frozen! Can you imagine that? That little snowflake was made almost 3 years ago. And now he is almost 2.
A lot of people tell you (even doctors!) that once you have your first from IVF, that maybe you will be super lucky and get pregnant naturally with your second. What? Really? Wow, I can't wait to surprise myself and my husband and my family and our son with a second baby! That sounds amazing..
Well you guys, guess what. No. Our son is almost 2 and we have not magically conceived him a sibling. Even though they said it could happen. It was possible they said. But it doesn't always happen like that. I have come to terms that I will never get to surprise my husband with a baby. I won't feel sick one day and take a test which turns out to be a positive pregnancy test.
Even though that does sting deep down some days, I know it's okay. It is perfectly alright to be one of the couples who has a different story. Because our story is so unique. It is hard to describe the day you transfer an embryo into your uterus. It is not common for your baby's first picture to be a 5 day old blastocyst picture.
Now that we have our first child, we are ready to add one more. It is not easy like it is for some people. We have to plan with our specialist, go to ultrasounds, do bloodwork, injections, and pay for the chance to have another baby. It is a very emotional thing to go into all of this not knowing the outcome. But I will do it for a chance to turn a frozen embryo into a screaming, wild child who loves cheese.
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Christmas Mommy
This Christmas season was so different for me. I took a little boy to meet Santa. I wrapped gifts that said, "From: Mommy and Daddy." I watched my baby boy crawl and try to grab the tree branches. We played Christmas music and bounced around. We read The Night Before Christmas while little hands tried (and succeeded) in ripping the pages of the book. I put photos in Baby's First Christmas frames.
These sound like the smallest things. To me they mean everything. Our baby boy is now 8.5 months old. We wanted him for so long and waited for him. We went through so much and now that he is here every moment means so much. We are so lucky. I could not even imagine our life without him.
Dylan now has 5 teeth and is crawling everywhere. He keeps me busy every day and I am so happy.
Baby's first Christmas.
And my first Christmas as Mommy.
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
My boy
The moons and stars whispered to me,
Try just one more time,
It will be worth it,
And I believed them,
I pushed through hard times,
Just to see your face,
My heart broke so many times before you,
time and time again,
My life seemed over,
Then there you were,
You put all the shattered pieces back together,
My blue eyed boy,
You were meant to be,
You were meant to be mine.
I love you I love you I love you.
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